


Remember to Breathe

by GNOBNG



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Basically Canon Compliant about Aaron's past, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Relationships, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Child Abuse, Robert's Past Explained, Self-Harm, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2019-09-28 10:56:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 24,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17181644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GNOBNG/pseuds/GNOBNG
Summary: Robert Sugden has made a different life for himself away from Emmerdale. Circumstances bring him back. He is intrigued by one of the younger Dingles. Everyone in the village has a different story to tell about Aaron.Aaron Dingle is tired. He just wants to be left alone so he can breathe.Their lives change because of each other as they begin an unexpected friendship.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be a long multi-chapter story. I do have it all outlined, and I have written down four chapters. I plan to update Weekly. This is a slow build. 
> 
> Let me know if you like it. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

**Robert**

 

They say coming home after being away for so long is like fresh air.

When he was younger, he thought the world ended at the edge of the quarry. There was no outside world. His whole universe was the village, the farm, the fields and occasionally nearby towns. He never would have thought that the day when his word came crashing down on him, when his father banished him into exile, he would discover another world outside of the universe that he knew.

When he left the village, he was angry and bitter. He made a vow to himself that he would conquer the universe and come back to show all of them that he had made it without them. That he didn’t need them.

It was when he had his first taste of the real world that he knew how the village life, his father, even his brother, had shielded him from how small and insignificant one person was compared the whole world. He couldn’t conquer it. Not alone, and certainly not without resources.

He sold his car and with the money he had, he found his way to his grandmother’s house in Spain. When she saw him, she embraced him. He told her everything and she listened. With her guidance and from necessity, he learned the language. She helped him with what she had, so he could go to university to study business. He wanted to have a degree.

He started working several shifts in cafes and restaurants. He had a beautiful smile and the customers loved the charming foreigner. His managers loved how easily he would attract the customers. He had started to use what he had learned in university at work, and that made his manager so impressed, he was promoted.

He had the world at his feet. He soon moved out of his grandmother’s house but not without paying her back. He was grateful for her but it was time he started to stand on his feet. As a parting gift, she had taken him on a stroll by the beach.

“You know, I can see you trying to take on the world. I know you and you have the intelligence and the guts to do it. But when you do conquer it all, remember that the world is not for you to take. It is for you to see it, to enjoy it, to appreciate what it has to offer you.” His grandmother had said.

He had kissed her forehead when he left and promised to keep in touch. He didn’t know what the world had to offer him yet, but he knew he would never forget her kindness.

As he started to succeed at work and school, he realized his knowledge in human desire and relationships was still the limited one he carried from the village. He then started to pay attention to other people. At work and at school, he started to notice that both men and women would look at him with desire in their eyes. He wasn’t naïve about his own charms and looks. He knew he was attractive. But for the first time he was free. Free from judgment and free from preconceived notions of how he should be. For the first time in his life he was free to choose whomever he wanted to be with.

The first time that he made love to another man was during the summer. The thing that he would remember most in later years from that night was the heat. The heat of the summer night and the busy streets with tourists. The heat of Raul’s arms all around him while he touched him everywhere. The heat of their bodies tangled and moving together on his bed. The heat of Raul’s mouth as he traced his tongue on his back. The heat in his own chest as they rocked the bed together in ecstasy.

The next night when Maria was in his bed, it was his mouth tracing her back and making her the sounds and the noises that Raul had made out of him.

The liberty and the freedom that he had in those years was un-paralleled to any other feeling. He was a young explorer who had only just begun.

When he finished his school and received his degree, his grandmother was there to celebrate it with him. At his request she had not told anyone that she knew where he was and what he was doing. For the first time since he had left home, there was a hint of sadness. He missed Victoria, Andy, Diane and even his dad. He had missed his family. That night he allowed himself to miss them.

The next day he picked himself up and made a decision to not live his life by what standards they would have expected of him. They weren’t here to see him, to judge him or to tell him how to live his life. He decided to live his life to the fullest. He let his anger and bitterness wash away with his tears, and the fond memories that he had left of them to take their place. He didn’t know when he would be able to see them again.

He was not the same angry, lonely and bitter boy that had been banished from home anymore. He was a self-made, intelligent and charming young man whose universe had become a whole lot bigger than the village. He was going places in the world and no one would be able to stop him from reaching his full potential.

After graduation he applied to many different international companies. With his excellent grades and resume, he managed to land a very desirable internship at one of the world’s leading automobile companies. The Spain’s head office where he had his interview, was located in Madrid. He soon moved to a small studio apartment and started to dedicate his time to excelling at his job.

All his previous experiences had given him an edge on other competition and soon he was offered a permanent position which came with a considerable raise. He had applied for dual citizenship and that had made his position even better as it would allow him to travel between UK and Europe to meet clients and finalize contracts.

It was at this time he had met Katerina. She was an artist and a free spirit. She was someone who did not want to be tied down. She needed to be with someone who could give her uncomplicated passion, and that was exactly what he was looking for. His schedule and his business trips made their relationship much more compatible as every moment that they would spend together was precious because it was temporary and they knew they soon had to leave.

They didn’t waste time on the everyday routine of a relationship as they couldn’t afford the normalcy it would bring. She was painting and he was travelling. It was easy until it was not. He knew himself and he was falling for her. He craved more.

When he told her, she broke his heart. He spent the night in her arms as they both cried. He had ruined the illusion that their relationship was working. The craving and the need to be closer to each other had ruined the perfect image.

Later he realized, he had put a lot more meaning into their relationship that she had. It would never would have worked between them. He was a distraction.

He needed a change.

He requested to be transferred to the UK offices as he had built most of his clients from there. He admitted that his Yorkshire accent had made him more popular among UK clientele and his bosses agreed.

Soon he moved to Manchester.

Manchester meant Ollie. He was big and strong. He had brown eyes and a booming laugh. He was working in legal department which meant every contract that Robert brought in, must have Ollie’s approval on it. In the beginning, Ollie used this to piss him off to get his attention. He later would say Robert’s angry face was what made him fall for him in the first place. After he had returned several of his contracts without his approval, Robert was fed up with Ollie. He marched into his office and demanded an explanation.

“Go on a date with me.” Ollie said with a smile that had lightened his entire face.

Robert was dumbfounded. He had never been propositioned by a co-worker so bluntly. Sure he had other colleagues who flirted with him and teased him, but it was the way Ollie was blunt and honest with his intentions that had intrigued him. There was no hint that he was perhaps teasing him. So he had agreed.

Ollie taught him a lot about how to cover his back while negotiating contracts and he taught Ollie how to make perfect omelet after a weekend spent in the bedroom.

Ollie was a force of nature. He was all consuming. He was kind and generous. What attracted Robert most to Ollie was how brilliant he was at his job and how much he enjoyed it. He had an admiring respect for Ollie and his passion. They moved in together after six months. He was on top of the world. For a moment it seemed like he had everything. He had conquered the world.

It all changed when Christmas came around. Ollie insisted they spent the holidays with his parents as Robert had yet to meet them. He was nervous about meeting Ollie’s parents as he knew Ollie had a great relationship with them. He was the only child of two school teachers. They had worked hard and raised their son right and had offered him everything they had so he could get a good education. They had done a brilliant job as Ollie was both a wonderful human being and a successful lawyer.

“They are going to love you” Ollie assured him as he drove them to his parents’ house in Liverpool. When they got there, Ollie’s parents were ready to greet them. First his mother hugged Ollie tightly and kissed his face. Then his father did the same. The careless way that Ollie’s father embraced his son and kissed him and the unconditional love they showed their son, made something lodge itself in Robert’s throat. He was then introduced to them and he was greeted with affection.

It was later that night when he was lying awake in Ollie’s childhood bedroom with Ollie’s arms around him that he allowed himself to think about his feelings earlier. He was jealous. If Ollie’s father could love and respect Ollie for who he was, why his father couldn’t be the same. Why was he not enough for his father? He was always a disappointment with his family and now here with Ollie, the old feelings that he may be a disappointment was starting to come back.

The feelings didn’t go away. When they got back, he started to distant himself from Ollie. He knew that Ollie deserved someone who was not a disappointment to his most loved ones. Someone who wasn’t banished from his own home. Someone who could take him home and show him the same love and respect that he had received from Ollie’s parents.

He loved Ollie but he knew he could never be honest with him about his past and where he had come from. He didn’t want to hide Ollie and if things went further, he would have eventually tell him about his family and how they had treated him. He would have to tell him about his mom, Andy and his dad. Ollie deserved better than him.

It was raining the day he broke Ollie’s heart.

Afterwards, he packed his belongings into his car. He was once again where he had started all those years ago. He felt lost. That night in the hotel room he started crying. After, when there was no more tears, he called his grandmother. He told her how his heart was broken and he was back when he started.

“But you are not there, are you?” his grandmother said. “You have grown. Yes you have your heart broken, but that is life sweetheart. You are so much more than when you started and you are nowhere near being done. You are at the beginning. You will fall again, but each time you pick yourself up, you dust yourself and you move forward. You will learn.”

“But what happens when everything goes back to the past. When every time I start to move on, my past will stop me from going on” he asked her.

“Then you confront your past with who you are today. You stop running away. You are a different person than who you were. Your past is not your monster, your fear of it is.” She told him.

After, he knew he couldn’t stay at his job anymore. Not when everywhere he looked, he was reminded of Ollie. He gave his notice. With the substantial amounts he had in savings, he packed his belongings in a storage and started to pack for a long trip across the world. He would see the world and if at the end of his trip he couldn’t find what he was looking for, then he would go home and confront his past.

 

**Aaron**

 

_He can feel his heart pumping and the blood rushing through his body as he wakes with a start. After he gets his breathing under control, he checks the time._

_5:30. At least the nightmares left him to sleep a few extra hours tonight. Another day._

_Shoes. Keys. Banana._

_He is out the door. The sun is starting to rise. He runs. It does not help. The image from his nightmare is still fresh. On one hand, it wasn’t Jackson. On the other it was of rough and big hands holding him down and…_

_He runs faster. He runs until he can’t breathe. And then he runs some more. When he stops, it takes him a moment to realize where he is. It seems that his feet has brought him back to the waterfall behind Butlers again. He looks around to make sure no one is around and no one will hear him. He screams._

_7:00. He gets in and runs upstairs to the shower. The house is slowly starting to wake up. He goes downstairs and makes tea. Diane will be happy and his mom will make less fuss if he sees him at the breakfast table before he leaves for work. This way he can avoid her worried looks. He makes breakfast. He tries to eat it but it tastes like ash. It always does these days. Anything he eats tastes wrong._

_Her mom and Diane come in with their morning cheer. They chat. Katie and Andy’s wedding, Jack is not happy, Home Farm being sold to new owners, Paddy and Rhona’s new plans to expand, Doug’s grand plans for a community garden, Alicia’s troubles. He pretends to listen. He has learned if he sits and listen and occasionally give one word answers, he can escape them easier without having to answer if he is alright, if he needs anything, if he wants to talk._

_It is always the same. He wonders how long until they get tired._

_He escapes._

_7:45. He opens the garage and starts his work._

_12:00. He is hungry but if he goes to lunch he might have to talk to someone. So he makes another brew. Cain as always leaves him be. Debbie and Cain sort the customers out while he works on the cars._

_1:00. A sandwich is put down beside his arms. Cain. He likes that he doesn’t ask him if he is alright. He already knows he’s not._

_4:00. Paddy is here. He is talking about Marlon and April. Donna has run away to London and left April. Paddy is worried about April and Leo getting along. He is worried about Rhona’s ideas about the business. He is worried about Leo’s new school. He is worried. He doesn’t say it but he isn’t really worried about those things because he is sure they will be alright. He is worried about Aaron. He listens to Paddy and doesn’t say a thing. He knows if he talks that will only encourage him to go on._

_4:30. Paddy leaves. He is finished with the cars. There isn’t any other. Debbie tells him to leave._

_5:00. Shower. Pint. Food. The village passes him by as he sits at the bar. If he sits in a booth, someone will join him but at the bar, he can just listen and not talk. He sits and eats and drinks._

_8:00. He drives to Bar West. Pint and sitting at the bar again. He is looking._

_9:30. The blonde’s moans are too loud for the toilets. He wishes he could finish already._

_10:00. He is driving. He doesn’t have a destination in mind. He just drives._

_12:00. His bed is there but he is afraid to get in. he needs something to take the edge off before he can even think about getting in. He locks the door, takes off his clothes and takes the wooden box from his top drawer out. He removes the wipes and the bandages and the antiseptic to reach for the fresh razor. He is a pro at this now. He cuts. The blood is warm. He lets the blood run down his body. He can breathe for a second now. He cleans the blood and puts the gauze and the bandage on. He doesn’t want another trip to A &E. _

_12:30. He gets into bed. He is bone tired. But he can’t sleep._

_1:30. He drifts off._

_3:48. His heart is hammering fast. Jackson was crying again._

_Shoes. Keys. Apple. Repeat._

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Robert**

There is a lay-by before the road that leads to Emmerdale. He has driven past it so many times. The last time he drove past it, he didn’t think he would ever see it again. He parks his new car there and turns the engine off.

He has been back in the country for a couple of years now. He had traveled and he had made quite a lot of connections around the world. He started investing in multiple up and coming businesses and his foresight and business savvy predictions had paid off. He now owns and manages an international farming machinery company with offices across Europe and UK, Called Rug Tree Bonds. He is wiser now. He knows that money and power aren’t enough to drive you forward in life. It is the connections that you make that determine where you are going.

After Ollie, he promised himself that he wouldn’t get serious with anyone and he hasn’t.

The reason he is on this road to Emmerdale now is Lawrence White. He had many contracts with Lawrence White’s company. He basically saved White’s company by buying 30% of its shares. White may consider himself a successful businessman, but Robert knows that he is nothing but a failure. But he is useful in that he is willing to bend over backwards for Robert if it means that Robert will save him.

He also is a self-loathing closeted old man who has eyes for Robert and had tried on multiple occasions to come on to him. He especially made a fool of himself at a fundraising event a few months ago in front of his daughters while he was trying to offer anything to Robert, be it himself, his eldest daughter Chrissie who owns a chain of salons, or his youngest daughter Rebecca who thinks sleeping with wealthy businessmen is a great career path.

He is tired of Lawrence White and his insufferable family but buying his business for almost the fifth of its actual market price, he will be gaining a lot more than White can understand. He will be the only name in the business around these parts. No more competition and certainly no more deals and contracts with the Whites.

Robert had done his research and he knows the reason the Whites are eager to sell everything and leave the country. It is because Chrissie’s son has recently been accused of sexual assault and has been convicted. However, he was sentenced to community service and his name was on sex offender registrar. They are indeed impatient to leave.

One of the failing assets of the White Enterprise that Lawrence has also managed to screw up, is Home Farm Estates. The old man had bought Home Farm a few years back to make himself the lord of the manor.

Now after his grandson has managed to make an enemy of all the people in the village, their residency at Home Farm is not what Lawrence thought it would be. He is so happy that Robert is buying his entire business that he practically gave away the manor itself and its grounds for free.

At first, Robert wanted to sell Home Farm immediately. He didn’t want anything to do with it. But after a conversation with the current estate manager and the real estate agent, he has realized that if he puts Home Farm on the market as it is now, he would end up losing almost what it is worth. He needs to turn the business around and start generating some capital from it before he can consider selling.

They signed the contracts last week. Five days ago he received an email that the Whites have moved out from Emmerdale and flown to Australia. Robert hired an interior designer and a building company the next day to start the remodeling of the manor. He was thinking of moving there himself and focusing on turning the Home Farm Estate around. He has an exceptional team managing Rug Tree Bond from Liverpool and he can manage to be there two days a week. This way he can make sure both his businesses are thriving. It would be a lot of hard work but Robert is a successful and workaholic businessman and he knows what he is doing. 

The fact that it is his childhood village, is also a major factor for him not selling and moving back. He hasn’t been keeping in touch with anyone from the village since he left almost 10 years ago. He knows that he might not be very popular in the village when he turns up but he needs to come in terms with his past and make peace with it.

He does speak to his grandmother regularly but she knows that his family is still a sensitive subject. A few years ago she told him that little Sarah needed money for surgery and Robert had given the money to his grandmother and had asked her to give it to them but to say it was from her and not to name Robert at all. He knows that his dad and Diane are no longer together and Andy and Katie had gotten married again. He knows his little sister is a chef now. He knows all this but he couldn’t bring himself to contact them. It is as if their lives now have moved on as well. Their paths diverged a long time ago and they hardly know each other anymore.

He also knows that word gets around real fast in Emmerdale and the second they realize the Whites have sold Home Farm, tongues will be wagging about the new owner. In order to control the gossip and prevent inaccurate information, he needs to show himself and make himself known as the new owner, otherwise he won’t be able to turn the business around.

If only he could stop his heart from beating so fast in his chest as he sat in the car. He could just turn around and drive back to Liverpool and do this another day. But he knew that if he turned around he wouldn’t have the courage to come back another day. He needed to do this.

Robert Jacob Sugden is not a coward and he is certainly not a man that is afraid of the unknown, he told himself.

He started the car and drove to the road towards Emmerdale.

 

**Aaron**

_“Sam said that they just left last week without saying anything to anyone! He said that they didn’t even bother telling him about the new owner. Apparently Lawrence sold everything he had and got away as soon as he could” Lisa was saying to Chas._

_“The bastards. The lot of them. Good riddance I say. Finally got rid of that creep hanging about our Belle. After the whole nasty business with Alicia I’m not sure how they could live anywhere around here” Zak said._

_“I heard that they are not staying around here. Lawrence is taking them all away to Australia to get away from it all.” Lisa replied._

_“Poor Alicia. She is traumatized. I can’t believe what that little turd did to her. I’m just glad they are gone. Not a goodun among them. If it wasn’t the creepy Lachlan then it was that retched Rebecca getting it on with any man breathing or the Chrissie throwing tantrums and accusing everyone of all sorts. They were trouble from the day they came here.” Chas said._

_Aaron was sitting at the bar and listening to his family finally focusing their attention on someone other than him. He was quietly sipping his drink and waiting for Marlon to bring out his food._

_He didn’t know the Whites that well. He did have a weird conversation with Rebecca once. She had brought her car around to the garage and from the moment she had laid eyes on him, she had started flirting with him. He had turned around and let Debbie handle her. He didn’t even bother setting her “straight”._

_He was glad though that he didn’t have any interaction with the rest. The whole Alicia thing was too close to home and he knew if he saw the creep afterwards, he wouldn’t be able to control his temper and he wasn’t ready for the fallout from that._

_“Do we know anything about the new owners?” Cain asked Lisa._

_“Nothing yet. But we will find out soon as they are bound to come here any day now. There are a lot of builders working there now.” Lisa said._

_“Is Sammy out of a job now?” Chas inquired._

_“Don’t know love” Zak replied. “He reckons he can talk to the new owner about keeping his job. Who knows they might see sense and keep him on.”_

_At that moment, Victoria came out with several plates of food and placed them in front of the Dingles._

_“What about you Victoria? You were all best mates with the White girl. Do you know anything about the new owners?” Chas asked Victoria._

_“Uh, first of all, I wasn’t best mates with anyone. I just hang around with her a couple of times. And second, how should I know? It’s not like they came to the village after the whole thing with Alicia and I ain’t got nowt to do with the lot of em.” Victoria answered._

_“Alright. No need to get snippy. I’m just asking.” Chas said. She then turned to Aaron. “Another pint love?”_

_“Yeah, ta.”_

_“Not going out tonight then?”_

_“Don’t feel like it.”_

_“How about Adam? You haven’t been around to visit him lately have ya?” She asked._

_“Been busy.”_

_“With what?” Cain grumbled. “Moping about the garage?”_

_“Moira was telling me that last time she visited, he asked about ya. Maybe you can give him a visit. Might do you both some good. I reckon he misses you.” Chas said tentatively._

_Aaron didn’t want to continue this discussion. He just lowered his head and started to eat his chips. He didn’t want to get in another argument about visiting Adam. As far as he was concerned, he was done with Adam._

_The ungrateful prat had gone to the police and confessed so he could get Aaron out of prison. Aaron hadn’t asked him to do that. And he specifically ordered his family not to pressure Adam into doing anything stupid. Aaron had made his choice on that day when he went to the police and took the rap for the garage fire. Two and a half years later, the ungrateful sod’s conscious had perked up and he had gone and done the thing that he had promised Aaron he wouldn’t do. Now Aaron was free and Adam was serving time._

_The Dingles and Victoria looked at him worriedly for a few seconds. As Chas was about to say something else. The door to the Woolpack opened and a tall man walked in. He stood by the door and scanned the pub for a few moments until his eyes fixed on Vic. Then he cracked a half smile and strode up to them._

_“Robert!?” Vic shouted._

_“Victoria, did you miss me?” said the man._

_Victoria quickly came around from behind the bar and threw herself at the man’s arms._

_“Oh my god! You are actually here! I can’t believe it!” she said as she had her arms tightly around his middle. “Oh my god! Wait until Diane sees ya!” she then turned towards the back of the pub and started shouting. “Diane! Diane! Come here quick!”_

_Diane rushed hurriedly from the back room._

_“Victoria! Are you alright? What is all the shouting about?” she asked before realizing who Vic was hanging on to._

_“Robert?! My god it is you!” She came around the bar and joined Victoria in hugging this Robert fella._

_“What are you doing here?! I didn’t know you were coming home. Dad didn’t say anything. Does he know? Have you seen him? What about Andy? Oh my god, they are going to freak when they know you are back!” Vic was talking so fast, she missed the way that the man’s face become closed and tense at mention of his father and Andy._

_Aaron had heard that Victoria and Andy had another brother called Robert. But none of the Sugdens talked about him. Apparently he had a bust up with his brother and his dad and then he had left the village many years ago._

_Aaron used the distraction that the arrival of Victoria’s brother had brought to quietly finish his food. He wasn’t in the mood for another family’s drama tonight. The Dingles and the Bartons daily drama was enough without now adding the Sugdens. He just wanted to get out of there and have a smoke at the pavilion._

_While Victoria and Diane guided the new arrival to a booth and Chas hurried to bring them drinks, he slipped away using the back door. He rounded the corner and started walking towards the pavilion. He was restless tonight._

_Mention of Adam had made him angry. If he was honest with himself, he had missed his only friend. But he was so angry at Adam. Aaron had resigned himself to life in prison. No one really bothered him inside after they knew that he was a Dingle. They especially didn’t want to have anything to do with him after seeing him cut a few times. Everyone inside thought he was tapped. They left him alone and that is exactly what he wanted. He knew he was going to die in prison eventually. It was what he deserved after Jackson. And he had accepted that._

_Adam however, had taken away his chance for penance. He thought he was helping Aaron by telling the truth. Aaron didn’t want to be out. Adam had a life on the outside. He had two sisters and his mom. He had the farm to worry about. He and Vic had just started dating a few weeks before he confessed. He had his whole life ahead of him. Now he was a convicted felon serving time and throwing his life away._

_So of course Aaron was angry at him. Aaron didn’t have a life. He barely even existed._

_He reached the pavilion and sat done on the steps. It was almost dark. He lit a cigarette and closed his eyes. He really didn’t have anything in his life. He didn’t have anything to look forward to. The only reason that he didn’t try to end it all again was the promise he had made to Paddy and his mum._

_He was tired. He wished that all the world around him would stop and let him breathe. All he had known all his life had been pain. He had never been happy and safe._

_His dad had taken away his childhood and Jackson had taken away his youth. He was tired of all the people who were supposed to love him and protect him, instead causing him so much pain._

_He started to pick at one of his scars on his forearm. They used to help him relieve some of the pressure. But that had stopped working._

_He was so tired of it all. Tired of constantly being on edge, the never ending pain, rage, guilt and shame. He just wanted to be able to breathe._

_He needed to breathe._

_He closed his eyes and took another drag of the cigarette._

_The next morning, at the breakfast table his mom and Diane were chatting about this Robert fellow that had showed up at the pub last night. Apparently he was a big shot businessman now and he had bought Home Farm from the Whites._

_Diane could not shut up about him. Aaron thought it was strange that they had never mentioned Robert Sugden but now that he had returned and they knew he was minted, Diane talked about him as though he was this amazing stepson that she had always adored. She wasn’t even with Jack Sugden anymore but right now she didn’t seem to care._

_Aaron was grateful for the stranger. His arrival had completely distracted his mum and Diane and they didn’t even bat an eye as he slipped out without eating anything._

_As he was walking to the garage, Paddy caught up with him._

_“Hiya Aaron! How are you? Have you heard? Apparently Robert Sugden is back and get this, he is now the owner of Home Farm! I can’t believe this! Apparently he is a big deal now and he has loads of cash and he bought not just Home Farm but the Whites’ whole company! He owns other companies as well. He must be a multimillionaire. Who would have thought! The lanky teenager that Andy Sugden would get into so many rows with, now a millionaire! Do you know he almost ran away with Debbie and Sarah?!” Paddy said without allowing Aaron get a word in. They had reached the garage now._

_“Morning Paddy. Yes Paddy I saw him last night when he came in. No Paddy I don’t know him and I don’t really care who owns what. And no Paddy I didn’t know about Debbie. Bye now Paddy.” Aaron said in a disinterested voice._

_“Cheeky git! Alright then be an antisocial grump! Have a good day! See ya later!” Paddy shouted as he walked away._

_Aaron shook his head fondly at Paddy and opened the garage. He was liking this Robert Sugden more and more if his mere presence in the village meant that no one was fussing around him for a while._

_Two weeks later and Aaron was no longer grateful for Robert Sugden. He hadn’t even been introduced to the man but he seemed to have become the only subject that anyone could talk about. Everywhere he went there was Robert this and Sugden that._

_At home and the pub Diane and Victoria couldn’t talk about anything else. Apparently of all the Sugdens, Victoria was the only one who seemed to be happy to have her brother back. Diane was also happy that he was back for Victoria’s sake. And that had caused a big scene at the pub a few nights ago when Jack had been in for a drink. He accused Diane of taking Robert’s side just to annoy him._

_Things got much worse when Andy and Katie came in. Victoria and Diane started a shouting match against Jack and Andy. Katie who was usually friendly with Vic and Diane, either saw this as an opportunity to be on Jack’s side for once and to cozy up to him, or she genuinely didn’t like Robert, took Jack and Andy’s side. This resulted in Victoria crying and storming off to the kitchen and Diane throwing Jack out of the pub._

_If it wasn’t so annoying, Aaron would have laughed at the situation. This Robert fella had only visited that one time and since then it had thrown the entire village into chaos. If the whole situation didn’t affect his everyday life, Aaron would have been happy to watch this car crash. As it happened it wasn’t only at the pub that he had to endure. Debbie and Cain also couldn’t shut up about Robert and what a scumbag he was._

_Everywhere he went there was someone who knew something about when Robert was a teenager. He knew stuff about this Robert Sugden more than he should. At the pub Katie was recounting her entire affair with him to his mum.  At the café, while waiting for his coffee, Nicola King announced to the whole café that she was the one who took his virginity!_

_After hearing this unsolicited private information about the man, Aaron couldn’t help but feel bad for him. He had only seen this man once but now he knew what he wanted to study when he was a kid (computers apparently), and who he lost his Virginity to._

_He could empathize with Robert. After all it wasn’t that long ago that his life was the only thing that these people could talk about. However, the constant assumption that he was probably the same person when he left the village was a bit sad. The poor sod had probably changed. And now HE was having opinions about Robert Sugden!_

_His annoyance at Robert Sugden was back which was annoying in itself. He didn’t care about the Sugdens. He didn’t care about Home Farm. And he certainly didn’t care that who did Robert Sugden lost his virginity to, although he seemed to have gotten around the village pretty well._

_After grabbing his fill of coffee and Robert Sugden gossip for the afternoon, he got back to the garage. Debbie had Sarah and Jack this afternoon so it was just him and Cain. He was working on an engine when the call came in. Some poor bloke had broken down just outside the main road near Hotton on their way to Emmerdale. Usually Debbie would take the truck and do the pick-up but as she wasn’t in, Cain tossed him the keys._

_He reached the road that the fella had broken down. He could see a car by the side of the road. It looked like an Austin Healy. So probably an old rich fool who didn’t know how to handle a car like that, but wanted to be seen driving it. As he was slowing down to park near the car, the door to the driver’s side opened and a tall lanky bloke stepped out with the same grace of an uncoordinated giraffe. The sight made Aaron let out a laugh which surprised himself. He shook his head and got out and came face to face with Robert Sugden._


	3. Chapter 3

**Robert**

The visit to Emmerdale had gone as he had expected. Victoria and Diane seemed happy enough to see him. He had sought them out at the Woolpack and spent the evening catching up. He told them about Home Farm and that he was moving back. However, he didn’t tell them much else about his life.

They told him about his father and Andy. His father apparently had lost the farm. He had to sell it in order to avoid bankruptcy. Jack and Andy now worked at Butlers. His father and Vic lived at the Keeper’s cottage and Andy and Katie lived at Katie’s old place. Diane and Jack had separated a couple of years ago. Andy and Debbie shared the custody of the kids. Sarah was doing fine for now. As the night wore on, the question of where he should stay came up. Both Diane and Victoria asked him to stay with them but he couldn’t. Not yet.

That was almost two weeks ago. After that night he went back to Liverpool and oversaw the renovations by phone and email. He was due to check on the house today as they were almost done with the place.

He was planning to move all of his belongings to the manor and that included his cars. He had decided he would drive the Austin Healy today and he had hired a driver to bring his Audi along. He didn’t trust anyone with his Austin Healy. He was going to be the one that moved it here. He would leave it at the garage at the manor and drive the Audi back to Liverpool when he needed to. He had all of this planned. What he hadn’t planned was his baby breaking down on him near Emmerdale.

He had to call the garage. He recognized Cain’s voice on the phone. He didn’t give his name, just the address of the place he had broken down. He wasn’t sure if Cain would help if he knew it was him but he had to take his chances. Perhaps when he showed up and saw it was him he would refuse to help, but it was better than him not even coming and he really didn’t want to wait for longer for someone from Hotton.

What he hadn’t expected was another mechanic showing up in the pick-up truck ten minutes later. This one was young. He wasn’t sure if he knew how to handle his baby.

“Hiya. I think it’s the clutch cable. I felt it being stiff earlier but I thought it would hold until I got it fixed next time I took it for service. But it gave up on me today.” He said to the young mechanic.

He was a grumpy, scruffy looking bloke with too much gel in his hair. He seemed surprised by his statement.

“You a mechanic or summat?” He grumbled.

“Well not now. But used to when I was a teenager.” He smiled at the bloke hoping if he would get on his good side, he would treat his car well.

“Robert Sugden by the way.” He extended his hand. “I was sure Cain Dingle was going to come.”

“He’s busy. He sent me instead.” He didn’t shake his hand. He didn’t even tell him his name.

“Pop the hood I’ll have a look, yeah?” He said as he rounded the car to examine the damage. Robert popped the hood and the bloke bent down to examine the car. Robert went to stand beside him and watched him inspecting the car. He seemed like he knew what he was doing, but he still needed to make sure.

“Do you get a lot of cars like this,….?”

“Aaron”

“Aaron then. Do you have experience with cars like this?”

“Yeah”

He didn’t even raise his head to look at him while he worked. Robert didn’t know if he was rude or a serious professional. He started to look at him more closely.

He had a full beard and he was biting his lips. He had a beautifully chiselled nose. His body was fit. If Robert had met him on the pull, he would definitely chat him up. Suddenly the mechanic stopped inspecting and started to fiddle with some of the wiring. Robert glanced at his arms. His sleeves were up to his elbows and there were some scars on both of his forearms. One or two seemed fresh. The rest were fading.

“You’re right. The cables need changing. Can’t fix it here. I’ll have to take it to the garage.” Aaron said as he looked up at Robert. Suddenly Robert was met with the most beautiful set of eyes he had ever seen. His breath hitched. It took him a few moments to gather his thoughts to reply.

“Um yeah. I figured as much.” He said while nervously chuckling.

“I can give ya a lift to the village if you want and you can pick up your car later?” Aaron asked.

“Yeah, that be great thanks.” Robert replied.

Aaron nodded his head and started to move towards the truck. Robert took a deep breath. This was not the place or the time to think about fit mechanics. He had so much to do and his car being in the garage meant he had to call his driver to bring his Audi to the village instead of Home Farm.

He called his driver as Aaron started to attach the car to the tow truck. By the time he had finished, so was Aaron. He got in to the passenger side and Aaron started driving.

“So Aaron, have you worked long with Cain?” he asked in order to break the silence in the car.

“Yup.”

“Not a man of many words, are ya?” he said jokingly.

That seemed to get a reaction out of Aaron. He looked at him sharply and said “so what, you think I’m thick?”

“No, god no! I was only joking, sorry.” He said awkwardly. God this was going so bad. He decided to shut up and look out the window instead of embarrassing himself more. God, what was wrong with him today? Why was he so thrown off by the beautiful man? Woah, where did that come from?!

“He’s me uncle. Him and Debbie thought me all I know about cars.” Aaron said out of the blue after a few minutes of silence.

Robert turned to him. Aaron didn’t seem that bothered by his earlier bumbling remarks. That encouraged Robert.

“Yeah. That’s great!” He said excitedly. He was a teenager again with a crush, wasn’t he?

“Well it seemed only fair that you knew a bit about me.” Aaron said. He had a crinkle by his eyes when he said that like he was holding out from laughing out loud.

“Yeah? How do you figure that?” Robert said with a teasing tone. This was good. This was playful flirting. He was good at this part. He could charm everyone. Even grumpy, beautiful mechanics.

“Well seeing as I know you lost your virginity to Nicola King and all. I thought it would be fair to tell you a bit about myself!” He was now fully smiling. Robert would have admired his smile more if it wasn’t for the most horrible thing he had just said!

“WHAT THE FUCK?! HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT?” He screamed. He was freaking out!

Aaron let out a loud laugh. God even his laugh was beautiful. But Robert couldn’t appreciate it properly because what. The. Fuck!!!!

“Well seeing as you are the only subject of conversation around the village, and let’s face it you did mess about with almost every girl around, they have not been quiet. It’s kind of funny actually. The whole story is good piece of gossip. Troubled teen runs away from village, turns up ten years later and is this big shot. People talk.” Aaron said. They were getting closer to the village.

“I guess that means everyone hates me then. Brilliant.” Robert knew that his return would stir some conversations around the village. But he didn’t expect it to be this bad if the local mechanic that he never even knew from before, knew who he lost his virginity to. What a mess. He was suddenly in a foul mood. All these years and people still judged him for who he was. He had no chance.

“Well at least I did make a miracle happen in the village. It seems for the first time the Sugdens and the Dingles agree on something.” Robert said with a bitter voice.

“Well if you hadn’t messed about with our Debbie, I think you would have Dingles on your corner on the count of your dad and Andy not liking ya.” Aaron said bluntly.

They were already in the village and Aaron was turning on Main Street. Aaron pulled up in front of the garage and both men got out.

“Does that mean that I can’t have my car fixed here, now that I know you hate me too?” Robert asked Aaron, not knowing what to expect.

“Well the thing with me is now that I have met ya, I am not sure if I can believe anything that they say about you. Unreliable sources and all that. You see they missed out the most obvious thing about you. I mean if these people really knew ya, it would be the first thing they would talk about. But I haven’t heard even one of em say it. So I’m just gonna make my own mind about ya.” Aaron replied.

Robert was dumbfounded. He didn’t even know what he had said or done to deserve that response. This man, by every right should hate him like the rest of his family and neighbors. But he stood there with a serious face and handed Robert some honest answer.

“I guess all I can say is thank you. I appreciate that.” Robert said. He didn’t know what else to say. Aaron intrigued him.

Aaron looked at him for a moment and nodded.

“It’ll be two hours tops. You can come back and pick it up and sort out the bill with Cain.” Aaron said, already moving to detach the car from the truck.

Robert nodded and started to leave. Then he remembered something.

“Hang on. What was it that the people didn’t tell you about me? What is the most obvious thing they have missed?” He asked Aaron.

Suddenly Aaron’s ears turned pink and he ducked his face behind the back of the car. It took him a few seconds and Robert waited. He was now curious about what Aaron thought was the most obvious thing about him. Finally Aaron turned to look at him. He had a shy smile now. He bit his lower lip and shook his head.

“It’s obvious, innit? Them freckles.”

 

**Aaron**

_Huh… Freckles._

_Aaron had not expected that to be the first thing he noticed about Robert Sugden when he saw him up close for the first time._

_They were scattered all across his face and continued down his neck. That was weird. Now that he has seen him in person, all those stories were hard to believe. He ran through all those gossip that he had heard in the past couple of weeks to remember if someone that “knew” all about Robert Sugden had mentioned them._

_It was very hard now to imagine that the gallivanting chancer that everyone in village was talking about, was the same man stood in front of Aaron talking about the wiring of his car._

_That was another thing that threw him off. The man knew his cars._

_Aaron decided then and there that he wasn’t going to let the gossip make his mind up for him about Robert. He was intrigued._

_For the first time in a long time he was curious about someone. He wanted to know more._

_Sweet Jesus fucking Christ!_

_Did he just say that out loud to the man?! What was wrong with him? Had he finally snapped?!_

_Them freckles??? Them freckles… oh my god he had just said that out loud to Robert bleeding Sugden! Fucking freckles. Fuck!_

_At least Sugden hadn’t waited about after that. He must have freaked out and thought Aaron was a nutter._

_Now Aaron was freaking out. What was Robert thinking of him now? He must think that Aaron was a creep. He was going to tell his family what Aaron had just told him and they would tell him all about Aaron and he would find out about prison, Jackson and him being gay and then he would think that he was an absolute creep and then he would think he needed locking up and he would tell everyone what Aaron had told him and everyone would think that Aaron fancied him or something and then he would be beaten up by Jack Sugden and Andy and Robert himself and Victoria would hate him and when Adam got out he would hate him and he would think he was scum … everything was blurry…_

_Aaron couldn’t breathe._

_“Aaron! Aaron can you hear me? Aaron breathe. Aaron come on mate, breathe.” voices were shouting in the distance and now he was looking at the sky and blue and blurry and someone was holding him and his chest was burning and he couldn’t move. He was dying._

_Everything went black._

_“What do you mean he just collapsed? How can he just collapse?”_

_“I don’t know. He was unloading a car from the truck and chatting with Sugden one minute and then he is hyperventilating and then he passed out the next.”_

_“Do you think Robert said something that caused this?”_

_“I don’t know, do I?”_

_“I should call Chas.”_

_“Wait Paddy. Don’t. Not until we know more.”_

_“Well we can’t keep him here. He needs to lie down. Let’s take him to mine. I’ll take care of him.”_

_Aaron could hear Paddy and Cain talking. He slowly opened his eyes. He was lying down on his side in the garage._

_“Hiya mate. You alright?” Paddy appeared by his side. He crouched down and put his hand on Aaron’s shoulder keeping him from getting up. Aaron tried to push him off and get on his feet._

_“No, no. lie down for now until you are a bit better. I don’t want you to fall again.”_

_“Well he can’t stay like that in here.” Cain said._

_“Right. My car is just there. I’ll take him home. Just help me carry him.” Paddy told Cain._

_“M’fine.” Aaron told them. Cain and Paddy helped him stand._

_“Come on. Let’s take you to mine.”_

_“I’m fine. I need to finish Robert’s car. It’s the clutch cable. I told him it would only take a couple of hours.” He protested._

_“I’ll sort it. You go with Paddy.” Cain told him as he helped him get in Paddy’s car._

_Aaron was too tired to protest more. He resigned himself to be taken care of by his father for the afternoon._

_Paddy started driving towards Smithy’s cottage._

_“Marlon has Leo for tonight and Rhona is away on a conference until next week. You are staying with me. I’ll make you a brew and you can lie down.” Paddy was rambling._

_“What happened?” Aaron asked Paddy._

_“Well I was just about to come around to ask you if you fancied a drink later. But then Cain started shouting your name and when I got to the garage you were struggling to breathe. It really freaked me out. You had a panic attack.”_

_A panic attack. He hadn’t had one of those in a while. He didn’t usually pass out and he managed to hide it from others. Not this time apparently._

_“Aaron that wasn’t the first time you have had a panic attack, was it?” Paddy asked softly._

_Aaron was too tired to deny and to lie. He shook his head no. If Paddy knew, then he knew._

_Paddy didn’t say anything else until they reached his house. Aaron got out and leaned against the car’s door for a second. Paddy came around quickly._

_“Here, let me help you.” Aaron let Paddy lead him. Once they were inside, Paddy helped him lie down on the couch in the leaving room._

_“I’ll make you some tea. Just rest for a bit.”_

_“Thanks.” Aaron closed his eyes._

_He didn’t want to think._

_He must have drifted off because next time he opened his eyes it was dark outside. Paddy was sitting on the other chair. A documentary on mute was playing on the TV. Paddy was looking at it but he didn’t seem to be paying any attention to it; he seemed miles away._

_Aaron started to sit up. That jolted Paddy from wherever his thoughts had taken him._

_“Hiya mate. Do you want that tea?” Paddy asked him as he turned the TV off and got up._

_“Yeah, ta.”_

_“Right, I will be right back.” This would get Paddy away for a few minutes and allow Aaron to gather his thoughts._

_There was no way he was getting out of here until he had talked to Paddy. Most people thought that Paddy was a pushover and could easily back off. Most people didn’t know the real Paddy._

_He sighed. The talk was inevitable and Aaron was so tired of hiding.  Who knew, maybe talking to Paddy would help to make the nightmares to stay away tonight and he would be able to breathe._

_But it was so difficult to talk when there was so much he couldn’t say._

_Paddy came back and put two cups down on the table but instead of sitting down where he had before, he sat beside Aaron and turned his body towards him. He didn’t say anything. He was waiting for Aaron to start talking when he was ready._

_Just so he could have a few extra seconds, Aaron picked up his cup and took a sip. Extra sugar and milk. No one knew him like Paddy did._

_He didn’t know where to start. He didn’t know what to say. He needed Paddy’s help to start._

_“Ask Paddy.”_

_“Was it something that Robert Sugden said?”_

_“No, no. the opposite in fact.”_

_“How do you mean?”_

_“I said something stupid to him and then I freaked out.”_

_“What did you say?”_

_He didn’t know how to answer that one._

_“Aaron why did Robert have such an effect on you? Did he remind of the prison? Of Jackson?”_

_“No. it was none of that. It was really stupid. We weren’t even talking about me. I told him that everyone around here was talking about him and everyone was spilling everything that they knew about him. He was kinda sad about that and I sorta felt bad for him. I said all the gossip couldn’t be right because no one had mentioned his freckles.”_

_“Oh”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Aaron why would that make you have a panic attack? Do you fancy him or something?”_

_That made Aaron’s train of thought stop. Did he fancy Robert Sugden? Was that it? No, that wasn’t why. He had a panic attack because he thought Robert would think he did not because he really did. But that didn’t make any sense._

_“No. I mean I don’t know. I just remember that after he left without saying anything else I panicked that he might take it the wrong way.”_

_“What is the wrong way Aaron?”_

_“I don’t know. That I am a creep that has a freckle fetish or summat!” Aaron was getting frustrated. How could Paddy not get it?!_

_“It’s ok. It’s alright Aaron. Let’s say he took it the “wrong” way what did you think would happen?”_

_“That he would tell his family and then fucking Jack and Andy Sugden would come after me! You know how they are Paddy. They hate me just because I’m gay! If they thought that I might fancy one of their own, it doesn’t matter how much they hate Robert, they will come after me and that would make me snap and then I would end up back in prison and then Adam’s whole stupid honesty would be for nothing and then mum and you are going to be sad and disappointed and then you would all leave me and forget me then I… I… Paddy … I can’t ….breathe…”_

_He was having another one._

_Paddy reacted quickly. He had took Aaron’s head and bent it towards his knees. Then he started rubbing his back._

_“Breathe with me. Aaron listen to how I breathe. In and out. One, two. That’s it. In and out. Count with me Aaron. One, two, three, four,…”_

_By the time they reached thirty, Aaron had calmed down enough to be able to breathe on his own again. This was the second time today. He was so tired and sick of it. Why couldn’t he have any normal conversation without breaking into a panic attack or completely losing it?_

_He didn’t want to talk anymore. It clearly wasn’t helping. He just wanted to be free from his own head. He didn’t know what to do. And then the tears came._

_Paddy rounded him in his big arms and held him tight against his chest. The tight hold of Paddy’s arms, the panic attacks, and the fact that he finally had told someone about his head had released the dam he had created against his tears. He couldn’t think he would ever be able to stop crying now. He wept as Paddy held him._

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for the delay in updating. Real life gets in the way!
> 
> This chapter is only Robert's POV. The next one will be Aaron's only. I am hoping I will be able to upload the next one sometime next week (or by the end of this week if I can!)
> 
> If you are still reading this, I appreciate you! 
> 
> Let me know what you think! Feedback nourishes my soul!

**Robert**

The interaction with Aaron the mechanic must have been one of the most memorable and yet the most bizarre ones that Robert had ever had with anyone in his life. The man was a mystery. He was grumpy and serious one moment, laughing and flirting the next. There was one thing that Robert was sure of and that was Aaron the mechanic was absolutely lovely.

After the comment about his freckles, Robert was completely disarmed. He didn’t know what to say to that. He had just nodded his head and turned around and left. Now that he had time to calm down and take care of some finishing touches on the estate, it was time for him to pick up his car. He felt butterflies in his stomach. Aaron had charmed him completely.

He was going to walk up to the garage and ask Aaron, the beautiful mechanic, out to dinner.

He decided to walk to the village from Home Farm instead of being driven. He needed the walk to formulate a plan on how to ask Aaron to dinner. He spent the entire walk to the garage thinking of what to say if Aaron said no to a date. Perhaps he could invite him for a thank you drink at the pub first? He really wanted to get to know him better. If not as a date, perhaps as a friend. God knows he needed one around these parts and Aaron had said that he wasn’t going to make his mind about Robert based on the gossip around him.

As he got to the garage, however, he was met by Cain Dingle’s scowling face.

“Aaron about?”

“No” Cain replied.

“Oh. Ehm … he said my car would be ready by now.” He was disappointed that Aaron wasn’t at the garage.

“Well he had to leave. Here’s your invoice and keys. Car’s done.” Cain shoved his keys and the invoice for his car at him forcefully. He paid for his car’s repair.

“When will Aaron be back? Is he going to be in later today?” he asked Cain as he was about to leave.

Suddenly he was shoved and pinned against his own car. Cain held onto his jacket’s lapels and forced him to look at his face.

“Listen to me big shot. You are not to go anywhere near our Aaron. Do you hear me? If I catch you making any troubles for him, I’ll do what I should have done all those years ago and make you disappear. Do you hear me?” he spat in his face.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? What trouble? I haven’t done anything to Aaron!” He was now very angry. What had Aaron actually said to Cain? Was all that before all bullshit?

“Just leave him alone, will ya?” Cain said as he released him.

“Fine. Thanks for the great customer service by the way.” He said as he got into his car and started the engine. He was now angry at himself for believing what Aaron had said earlier. He probably was laughing at Robert’s stupidity.

God he was so desperate to have a friend in Emmerdale that he had believed a Dingle could be a decent person.

Now he sounded like his father.

He shook his head. He was returning to the person who he had forgotten years ago. This wasn’t him. Not anymore. He was better than this. It was best if he forgot Aaron and get on with his business. All that flirtation was probably in his own head. After all Aaron didn’t owe him anything. Robert needed to focus on his business here and turning a profit from it.

He drove back to Home Farm and continued to make arrangements for the rest of his stuff to be brought to the manor tomorrow.

 

 

The next few days were spent in a whirlwind of moving and setting up arrangements for both of his businesses. He needed an assistant to help manage Home Farm Estates. He didn’t want to hire someone that was not familiar with the area and their history. He needed someone who knew the lands and their owners.

Immediately after buying Home Farm Estates, Robert had made a great deal of effort to gather a list of all the assets that was owned by the Estate. It turned out that it was a lot. White, although was a horrible businessman and even worse father, was a great spender.

Aside from the Home Farm and its grounds, the Estate owned Tree Tops Adventure Land (a great potential that required the right amount of advertising), Wylie’s Farm (abandoned and wrecked, but it could be in a working condition in a year or two if someone actually tried to revive it), and three old Beckindale farms, Mowlam’s, Tolly’s and Crossgill (all three working farms that were tenanted to local farmers). The other assets of the Estate were several cottages and shops in the village.

If he put his mind to it, he could make a large profit from the Estate. He just needed someone to help him manage the tenancies. He himself would take care of Tree Tops as he put his own company’s advertising team on it. That left Wylie’s. He needed to come up with an idea of what to do with it.

He had put the word out that he was hiring an assistant to manage the Estate and within the first hour he had a dozen applicants just from the village. In order to have a better idea of who he was dealing with, he decided a visit to the pub (and ultimately getting all the gossip from Vic and Diane) was in order. After all the pub was the place to go to get all the information that you needed from the village. He should know; his whole life was being discussed there daily.

He decided to drop by when Victoria was working but least busy. It was early afternoon that he arrived at the pub. There a few customers scattered but the place wasn’t busy. Diane was behind the bar and she was chatting with Victoria. As soon as they spotted her, Victoria came around and threw her arms around him. It was strange having his sister around again. He reveled in the affection she showed him.

“Rob! Finally! You have been back ages and only now you come to the pub!”

“Been busy Vic! You know you can always drop by Home Farm if you wanted to see me whenever you wanted.”

“What can I get you pet?” Diane asked.

“Pint please Diane. And whatever you two are having as well is on me.” He sat at the corner of the bar and directed Vic to sit beside him.

As Diane turned to get their drinks, Victoria turned to him and whispered “Can I really come around yours anytime I want? Because I don’t want to intrude or anything if you’re busy.”

Robert’s heart clenched in his chest. God he had missed his little sister. He took Vic’s hands in his and smiled at her.

“Vic you are my little sister and I know I haven’t been around and I haven’t been in contact for years, but I have never stopped loving you and caring about ya. I want to get to know you again. So of course you are welcome to my home anytime you want. I want to be in your life as much as I want you in mine Vic.”

Victoria’s eyes were wide and teary as he spoke. Then she squeezed his hands tightly and gave him a sweet smile.

“Now tell me about the people around here. I have to find a new assistant to help manage the estate and I already have a couple of applicants.” He said to Victoria and Diane as she put their drinks down.

“Why not just ask dad? Do you remember he used to work as a manager there years ago?” Diane suggested.

“Uh I don’t think so. That would be too awkward wouldn’t it? I mean Robert haven’t even been to see him and now just out of nowhere give him a job working for him? No way is dad going to go for that.” Victoria said.

“Vic’s right. I need someone I can trust can handle the job and is ok with working for me. I don’t think Jack Sugden is in anyway ok to work for his disappointment of a son that he banished years ago, do you?” Robert said without looking either of them in the eye. He took a sip of his drink and he noticed the meaningful glance between Diane and Victoria.

“I know we can’t say anything that would change your mind about him and Andy but perhaps you can lay off calling yourself a disappointment? Because Diane and I don’t think that and in fact you have proven that you are anything but.” Vic said.

“She is right you know. Look at you. You are a brilliant man Robert Sugden and when Jack and Andy get their heads out of their arses, they will realize that too pet!” Diane said.

Not wanting to go down that road, Robert changed the subject to the people that had actually applied. The three of them spent the next couple of hours talking about the candidates and the gossip around the village. The dinner rush was about to start so Diane was busy. This gave Robert a chance to ask about Aaron.

“Say Vic, do you know the mechanic that works for Cain? Aaron I think?” He asked her trying to sound as casual as possible.

“Yeah, I know Aaron. Everyone knows Aaron. He’s Chas’s son. He actually lives here at the pub. Why?” she replied.

“Nothing. Just met him yesterday. My car broke down and he picked me up. I thought we were getting on but when I went to pick it up he was nowhere to be seen and instead I got Cain having a go at me to stay away from Aaron. It was really weird. Do you have any idea what that would be about?” He said to her while avoiding the most important parts. He just needed to have some knowledge about Aaron. Even if there was never going to be anything there, he just wanted to know more about him.

“Aaron hasn’t had an easy life you see. If you are planning on living here it is best that you know before saying something or worse. Let me tell you…”

And then she did.

 

 

Robert couldn’t sleep. He got out of his bed in the middle of the night and got dressed. There was no point in staying in bed if he didn’t plan on sleeping. He needed to think.

He could not imagine what life must have been like for Aaron. For all the shit that he had gone through with Andy and his dad, he was always sure that future would be better for him. He could not imagine life being so dark and so exhausting that someone would try to kill himself or self-harm. 

From what Victoria had told him about Aaron, it would seem the poor lad had never felt what happiness or what life outside of this small village looked like. The coming out, his attempt, trial, the boyfriend, the self-harm and then prison.

Cain’s earlier words now rang in his ears. He was worried that perhaps he had said something that would upset Aaron and that was something he really didn’t want to do. He felt that he somehow understood Aaron. The topic of both their lives in this village was the gossip of this village and if Aaron could put that aside and make his own mind about Robert, so could he. He just needed to make sure that he had not upset Aaron yesterday.

He had a plan.

 

 

The downside of not sleeping the night and having to down several shots of espresso is that he was shaking and on edge. He wanted to speak to Aaron first thing and clear the air a bit. He walked to the garage with two cups of coffee and pastries.

“Aaron?” he called out as no one seemed to be working on any of the cars outside.

“He’s not here.” Cain Dingle came out of the back office while sipping from a cup he was holding.

“I thought I told you to stay away from him.”

“Look, I don’t want to cause any trouble. I just want to speak with Aaron and clear some stuff up.”

“What stuff?” Cain asked as he put down his tea and started approaching Robert.

Robert sighed. If he couldn’t speak with Aaron, he could at least get Cain Dingle off his back if he explained. Maybe that way when he actually got a chance to speak to Aaron, Cain wouldn’t break his neck.

“Look the other day, I don’t know what happened, alright? I didn’t know anything about Aaron and his past.”

“His past? So what, you’ve been snooping around and asking about him?” Cain was now in his face and he looked like he was about to punch him.

“No! I mean yeah. Look, I was just curious. Here is this fit guy and he was flirting with me and I flirted back and I thought he was really interested and when I came back to ask him out when I was picking my car, instead I have you losing it. I don’t know what I did that made Aaron angry. Honestly, it was sort of him that came onto me and I didn’t know what to say at first.” He tried to reason with Cain.

“Hang on a minute. Since when are you interested in blokes?”

“Oh right. That. Yeah. Uhm, since always. I am, uhm, yeah, bisexual. Always been. Not that it matters since I read things wrong here. You know what, just forget about it. Just tell Aaron I’m sorry if I offended him. That is the last thing I wanted to do.” He turned around to leave.

He couldn’t believe that the first person in the village that he had come out to was Cain fucking Dingle.

“Sugden, that coffee for Aaron?” Cain’s voice stopped him in his tracks. He turned around to face the man who had his hands in his pockets now. He seemed less angry and more resigned.

“Yeah. I thought I had better chances of clearing things up if I had a piece offering.”

Cain came closer and took one of the coffees off him. He handed the bag with the pastries to him as well. He turned around to leave when a hand on his arm stopped him.

“We can share you know.” Cain held out the bag with the pastries. Robert’s mind was whirling. This was not the Cain Dingle he knew and remembered. As if sensing his shock, Cain rolled his eyes.

“Look, I shouldn’t have gone off you like that. It wasn’t your fault. Aaron is a sensitive subject for us.” He said while looking at his coffee.

“I know. Victoria told me about him and what he went through. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.” He offered in response.

“The thing is that Paddy reckons he liked you. Or at least liked talking to you and he didn’t handle that. So when he had a panic attack or whatever, I thought you might have said something to set him off.”

Robert was confused now. Aaron had had a panic attack because he liked him? And what did Paddy Kirk, had anything to do with Aaron?

“Paddy? What does he have anything to do with this? And what do you mean panic attack?” he asked frantically. Had he caused Aaron to panic?

“Paddy is like a dad to Aaron. He’s been there for him since he came back to this village. And yeah, he had a panic attack after you left the other day. Paddy took him home and they talked. Listen, I know you may not be same person that you left but I don’t think that you and Aaron is such a good idea. He’s not ok and he needs help. He doesn’t need the stress and the grief that comes along with being with a Sugden will bring. I appreciate the effort but I’m asking nicely. Stay away from him.”

Robert was stunned. All he could do was nod his head.

“Thanks for the coffee and snack.” Cain shouted after him as he was leaving.

 

 

Wylie’s was a dump. There was no better way to describe it. This farm had a hunted feeling about it. As if it was destined for catastrophe. The house was nothing but broken wood and fallen stones. The soil and the earth were ruined. This farm, if you could even call it that, needed a miracle to turn it from the desolation that it was to a decent working farm.

Robert was not naïve. The farm was lost. It would never grow anything anymore. The house could not be repaired as its foundation was on a ruined field.

The land though was still enduring. He could make something of it. He didn’t know what, but he was not ready to give up. Something was binding him to Wylie’s and he was determined to find out what could come of this ruined land.

 

 

He had spent the rest of the week working. He finally had made a decision about a personal assistant. After meeting a few of the applicants, he realized he couldn’t hire anyone local. They either were unqualified or just wanted to know the controversial Sugden. He was running a business not a place for gossip. He had decided to hire one of the interns that worked at Rug Tree Bonds for him.

Stephen was young, hardworking and loyal. He also was someone who really wanted to impress Robert. He reminded Robert of himself when he was in Spain.

In all his time that he had been back, he was avoiding his father and Andy. Thankfully the transition and the business had been occupying his time and he had a great excuse not to see them.

Recently though, Victoria had been dropping more and more hints that it was time that they all get together. He knew that she wanted a big happy family. He just wasn’t sure if theirs would ever be one. He was escaping the unavoidable and acting like a coward.

In the end, he realized that he was reverting back to the person who had left all those years ago. He had nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of. If there was a chance that he could make peace with his past in order to move on with his life, this was it. Ultimately, he accepted Victoria’s dinner invitation.

The venue was a bit tricky. As she lived with their father, she didn’t think that it would be a wise choice for a first time dinner to be at their place. So she had decided to do it at the pub.

Thus it was that after a month of returning to Emmerdale, Robert was going to have dinner with his father who resented and banished him, his brother who hated him and thought of him as the root of all life’ evil, his sister-in-law who despised him and was still bitter about the way he had treated her as a teenager, and his young and idealistic sister who thought years of abuse, trauma, betrayal and bad blood, could be cured by a Sheppard’s pie dinner.

To battle he would go.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, I am sorry for taking so long to update. Writer's block and a huge polar vortex kind of snowstorm got in the way!
> 
> This Chapter is only Aaron's point of view. It is a relatively short one. We will be back to both of their POV from next chapter on. 
> 
> If you are still reading this, I thank you. Your kudos and comments are what drives me to continue. I appreciate you.

**Aaron**

 

_“Aaron, why are you here?”_

_It’s raining outside. There are windows were the walls should be but they are not looking to a street. It is just a small garden in the middle of a corporate compound. There is a small water fountain that is overflowing with the rain water. The trees are as high as fourth or fifth floor of the buildings surrounding the garden._

_“Why now Aaron? What has changed?”_

_The office they are in is on the ground floor. It is a perfect set up. Trapped, yet looking to a beautiful secluded garden. It is both calming and grounding. The walls are pale blue. Most people would think blue is a depressing colour and not so suitable for a place like this. But Aaron would disagree. He likes blue. There are no big sofas. Just two comfortable chairs opposite each other by the window looking to the garden._

_“Aaron, this can only work if you talk.”_

_He wants to shout at him. He wants to scream how could he possibly help him. He is beyond help. He doesn’t. He promised Paddy he would do this._

_“Aaron, why are you here?” He asks once again._

“I am here because I am sick and tired of being trapped in my own head. I can’t hold everything together in my head anymore. It’s too much all the time. I can’t breathe. I need to breathe.”

It pours out of him. Just as it is pouring outside. He tells this stranger everything.

Robert.

Adam.

Jackson.

His mom.

Paddy. 

And Gordon…

 

 

“Tell me about Adam.”

It is sunny today. Yet there is a breeze. The leaves are dancing on the trees today. The water from the fountain is in the direct line of sunlight. If you looked at it from a certain angle, the water droplets looked like diamonds. He would imagine if it wasn’t for the windows, the sound of water would have been soothing.

“Why was it so important for you to protect Adam, Aaron?”

“He is an idiot. He needs someone to protect him.”

“But why you? You weren’t responsible in any way. Why did you take the fall for Adam?”

“He’s my best mate. He isn’t like me. He had a family and the farm. He couldn’t go down for this.”

“Yet he was the one who set the fire. And he let you take the fall for it.”

“He didn’t let me do anything. I wanted to take the fall for it. I had to physically hold him from confessing.”

He is angry again. He looks at the garden. He really wants to be by that fountain.

“Tell me, how did he become your best friend?”

The distant memory of Adam carefree on the quadbike makes Aaron smile.

“He was a muppet farm boy. Riding on his quadbike in the village like he was the king of the world. And then we hung out a few times and become mates.”

“But how did he become your _best_ friend Aaron?”

Adam in the car, reaching for him to wipe away the blood from his face, flashes before his eyes.

“He saved me.”

“In the garage?”

“Yeah”

“Why did that make you best friends?”

“I tried to kiss him and didn’t want it, but he didn’t hold it against me in the end. He saved me. He stayed with me and he was still my friend.”

“Aaron were you ever in love with Adam?”

No.

Yes.

Maybe.

Yes.

“Aaron is it possible that you took the fall for Adam because you still had feelings for him and you felt guilty?”

No. Was it?

“Why would I feel guilty?”

“So you are not denying that you had feelings of romantic nature for him, are you Aaron?”

“No. I mean yeah. But that was ages ago. And he is straight. I know he is straight.”

“Knowing something and coming to terms with it is not the same thing Aaron. We don’t choose who we are attracted to and who we fall for.”

“I didn’t take the fall for him because I’m in love with him. That would be stupid.”

“I never said that. I said you were perhaps feeling guilty for loving him and you thought by taking the fall for him, you were clearing your conscience.”

There was a patch of clouds that were blocking the sunlight and shadowing the small garden from it. There were now so many shades of green in the garden.

“Aaron, let’s talk about meeting this new man, Robert. The moment you felt attracted to him, you had a panic attack. Did you feel guilty Aaron?”

“Yeah, I mean no. I mean kinda. It was really confusing.”

“Tell me Aaron, what was it that you said that you most associated with loving Jackson?”

“Felling guilty.”

“That’s right. Do you see the pattern Aaron? Every time you are attracted to someone, or you fall in love, you feel guilty, don’t you?”

“It was different with Jackson. It was my fault he was paralyzed.”

“We have talked about this Aaron. The accident wasn’t your fault. But we are not talking about that now. We are talking about the fact that your feelings of attraction and guilt go hand in hand. Be it for your crush on your best friend, your love for Jackson, or your attraction to someone new.”

“So what you are saying that I am homophobic? Mate, I _am_ gay!”

“Again, knowing something and understanding what it means are two different things, Aaron. There is something called internalized homophobia. It comes from inside. It is not towards others. It is towards yourself. It is perhaps the most destructive kind of homophobia because it stems from self-hate. You do know where that comes from?”

“Yeah”

He is jittery now. He starts digging his nails in his hand. His legs are fidgeting. They are getting to the part that he hates. He knows they have to talk about it in order to make him better. But he hates this part.

“What your father did to you, has ingrained a self-loathing into your mind that you transfer it to every relationship that you form. You hate yourself because of what he did to you and you feel ashamed of how you feel about other men. In order to uproot this feeling Aaron, you need to realize that what he did was not your fault. Most importantly Aaron, you need to realize that you are not gay because of what he did to you. Aaron, you _are_ worthy of love. I know you have never felt unconditional love until Paddy. But you need to know that is not your fault. There is nothing wrong with you Aaron. You are not hopeless and undeserving of love. Do you hear what I am saying Aaron?”

Hot tears running down his face and the big lump in his throat make his voice deeper as he answers.

  
“Y…Yeah.”

“I know it is hard for you to accept this now but it is why we are here. We are here to help you learn how to love yourself Aaron. Because until you do, you won’t be able to fully understand and appreciate the love that others have for you.”

The clouds have passed. The sun is shining on the treetops and the fountain. Through tears and sunlight, the water in the fountain looks like diamonds again.

 

 

“Why did you choose Paddy?”

The fall is coming. The leaves of the trees in the garden have changed colours. There are now dozens of different colours on the trees. The fountain is flowing but the water is not shining today. It is very cloudy and the sun is hiding behind the clouds.

“When your mother and Paddy split up, why did you choose Paddy?”

“I knew he would take care of me.”

“For the first time in your life you made a choice about your own future, and you chose Paddy over your mom. Why?”

“My mom was with this loser Carl. I didn’t like him and I didn’t like it when she cheated on Paddy with Carl.”

“But why stay with Paddy? You had other relatives in the village. Paddy didn’t have any relations to you. You didn’t know much about each other at the time. So why him?”

“I don’t know. He was different. He didn’t look at me like I was scum. He didn’t pity me or feel sorry for me. He was almost happy to see me. It was weird. I wasn’t a burden to him and it was weird.”

“Was it weird because you had never experienced something like that before Paddy?”

“Yeah. I mean like I said before, he was really the first person to give a damn about me. I mean I know now people do. Even my mom. But back then, nobody did. Least of all my mom. But Paddy wasn’t trying to score points with my mom by being nice to me. He was just sort of nice to me for no reason.”

“But that happened later. Why in the beginning, you chose him over your mother? Were you trying to punish her?”

Yes.

Maybe.

Yes.

“I hated her. I hated her for not knowing. For not seeing what Gordon was doing to me. I hated her for not coming back for me, for not fighting harder for me. I hated her for ruining the only place I called home and cheating on Paddy. I love her and she always hurt me.”

“How about now? Have you fully forgiven her?”

Yes.

“Yes. I mean, we are good now. At least I think we are. She is really trying you know and I am too. It’s not easy. She is always on my case and it is annoying. I mean I get it. I would be too if my son was self-harming and suicidal.”

“If you have forgiven her for the past, why haven’t you yet told her about Gordon?”

He wishes that the sun would come out from behind the clouds. The colours in the tree would be shinier if sun would shine on them.

“She wouldn’t be able to handle it. I don’t want to do that to her now. She would think it was her fault.”

“So you don’t think it was her fault? You don’t hate her for not knowing?”

“No. I don’t think so.”

“So you have forgiven her?”

“Yes.”

The sun doesn’t come out. The wind knocks a few yellow leaves from a branch.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for the late update. I have given up on promising when I will update this story. The only thing I can say is that I am writing it and I plan to finish it. It's just that it takes a while to do it. 
> 
> Thank you for understanding!
> 
> I hope you like this. Please comment and let me know what you think!

**Robert**

 

There have been certain moments in his life that he knew, that he would always remember everything in that moment for the rest of his life. Moments that he could recreate everything in his mind; the sounds, the smells, the people, the time of day. The way he felt and what he thinking in those moments. This, right now, was such a moment.

He could feel his own heart beating in his chest and blood rushing to his ears. He was taking deep breathes to calm himself. The bottle of wine that he was bringing with him, had the sweat marks from his palms. To say he was nervous would be as to say that the sky was blue and the earth was round. He was beyond nervous. He was scared.

He had put this dinner off enough times that he no longer had an excuse for not showing up. He was in a battle in his own head. On one hand, this was the real reason in the first place that he had returned to this part of the world. To make things right with his family, with his father.

On the other hand, he had a feeling this would be a complete mistake. There was no happy ending. He couldn’t expect that they would just sit down as a family and have a meal.

And yet, here was, about to do exactly that. To have dinner with his father, his brother and his wife, and his little sister at his sister’s home. There was no use delaying the inevitable anymore. He took a deep breath and knocked.

There was a sound of footsteps from the other side and the door opened to reveal Andy Sugden on the other side.

“Rob” he nodded his head and opened the door wider to let him in.

“Andy” he said as he stepped inside.

Andy guided him through the living room where Katie and his father were sitting on opposite sides of the room.

“Robert” Katie nodded her head tersely. He nodded back in reply. He then turned to his father who got up from his seat and came to stand before Robert.

“Robert.” He acknowledged him. He then continued “Victoria is in the kitchen making dinner. I ‘ll go get her.”

He was left with Andy and Katie. Andy crossed the living room to stand behind Katie’s seat and put one hand on her shoulder. Message received.

There was an awkward silence until Victoria rushed out from the kitchen. Jack followed her with less enthusiasm. She came to stand before Robert in the middle of the living room.

“Robert! You are late! We were thinking of sending out a search party!” she said in good humor. Robert highly doubted that was the case but he refrained from commenting. He handed the bottle of wine to her.

“I am sorry I am late but it is such a gorgeous day out and I thought I might walk instead of drive here.” He said to her.

“Okay, now that everyone is here, let’s eat!” she says as she guided them all to the table in the corner of the living room. The awkward silence was back as they set themselves around the table and Victoria busied herself with serving the dinner. Robert was sitting beside Victoria and Katie and across from Jack and Andy around the table.

The first few minutes passed by with settling down and eating. There was some pleasantries exchanged mostly by Victoria, Andy and Katie. Robert was sensing a storm coming.

It wasn’t until halfway through their meal that the chit chat that Victoria was desperately trying to keep up died down. He could sense that everyone’s attention was on him. He knew that they expected him to start the conversations but he was after all a Sugden and he could match the rest of them in stubbornness. It was finally Katie that broke the silence.

“So Robert, now that you have officially returned, what are your plans for Home Farm? Any big changes?” she asked pointedly. He caught her and Andy giving each other a meaningful quick look. At her question, Jack’s head turned to Robert as well. They were all waiting for him to answer.

He took a sip of his wine to gather his thoughts. He didn’t want to rise to the bait.

“Well Katie, I don’t plan on boring you with my plans for the future of Home Farm. But thank you for your interest.”

Katie seemed surprised but his non-answer. She continued to pry.

“You know, before you bought it, Andy and I were in the talks with Lawrence White to perhaps buy Wiley’s from him. We were planning on raising our family there. Isn’t that right darling?” She said pointedly while Andy nodded in agreement. 

Ah. The penny dropped. So their angle was not to humiliate but to exploit. Now he needed to know more.

“That’s interesting seeing as Wiley’s is a complete dump. It won’t be a working farm for many years. And it needs a lot of work. He must have asked for a very steep rent and deposit in order to make sure he could make a profit off it. I know I would.” He said offhandedly.

“Well son, you see, Lawrence was a noble landlord. He and I were in talks so he could give us the farm with a discount. He was a great man you know.” Jack said from across the table.

So they were playing it this way. This was not a reconciliation. This was an emotional manipulation to get their hands on a cheap farm to get themselves out of the financial lurch they had created for themselves. He should have known a dinner sounded too suspicious. He just didn’t know how Victoria fell into all of this.

He needed to keep his calm. If he lost his temper now, he would only give them the upper hand to use him. He had a tentative relationship with his sister and if he had any wish to solidify that, he needed to show her the reality of this cursed family.

“I don’t think that Lawrence White was much of a businessman to be honest. I mean the state that he left Home Farm is appalling. Not to mention his farming machinery company. It was bleeding resources with no profit for the past five years. If he hadn’t sold everything to me, he would have had to declare bankruptcy next year.” Robert said. He wanted to keep his voice as neutral as possible.  

“And you played the Good Samaritan huh?! Great Robert Sugden to the rescue! I bet you couldn’t wait to take everything that old poor man had from him!” Katie sniped from beside him.

“Katie that’s not fair.” Victoria contributed. Jack was smirking and Andy was looking at him expectantly. As if waiting for him to attack Katie.

He took a deep breath. He had expected this. He had prepared for this. He only wished he could get his heartbeat and his anger under control. He couldn’t allow his temper get the better of him. He couldn’t give Jack the satisfaction.

He was smart. He dealt with difficult clients and customers from all around the world. He had dealt with lawyers and accountants, union representatives and contractors. He was on his way to build a farming machinery empire. He could handle tonight as long as he didn’t think of them as his _loved ones_. He took another deep breath. Time to show them who Robert Sugden really was.

“I am sorry that you think that Katie. I mean it is my fault by not coming clear of how I came about purchasing White’s companies and allowing the rumor mill run wild. You see, Mr. Lawrence White wasn’t as noble as you have been led. He had made a few, shall we say less than legal, business decisions and consequently was sued in several different jurisdiction. He owed a lot of money to a lot of people. He needed to liquidate as many asset as he could if he wanted to avoid prison. That is not counting his and his family’s troubles around here. I am sure you all know his grandson’s troubles with the law better than I do. It didn’t help that his youngest was throwing her allowance around by partying and expensive purchases. So you see, you are right dear Katie. I did rescue Mr. White by buying all he had, way above what it was actually worth.” He didn’t take his eyes from Katie during his entire speech. He saw her face go through several expressions. By the end of his speech, Katie’s expression could be described as total shock.

He then turned to look at the rest of people sat at the table. Victoria had a small smile on her face. Andy was frowning into his plate. Jack however, was looking at him with squinted eyes.

“So you plan to sell the business, if it is not as worth it as you say?” Jack asked. Almost ten years from the time he had ordered him out of here and the only thing he could talk to him about was if he was planning to sell him a farm. Yes, Jack Sugden was an a-level parent.

“I don’t plan to do that yet, no. See, if I sell now, I will lose a lot of money because the estate, as well as the farms, are not in the best of conditions. I will have to sell them for a lot less than I bought it and that wouldn’t make any financial sense.” He directed his answer at everyone at the table.

“Ah, and you are all about financial sense now that you are a fancy businessman, aren’t you?” Jack retorted.

“Well you would know if you had any.” Robert said focusing his gaze on Jack. Before any of them could respond he continued.

“So tell me. What have you all been up to in the past few years? I mean it is why we are here after all, isn’t it? To catch up? How are Sarah and little Jack?” he asked with a cheery tone.

“You would have known all about us if you have bothered to call.” Andy said. “I mean, hey, I only just lost my daughter a few times over the years and we couldn’t afford treatments, but it’s not like you care.”

“I know. I was so sorry to hear that. I am glad things worked out in the end. How is she now?” he asked, genuinely concerned. His tone and sincerity threw Andy off for a bit.

“She is fine. Well as fine as it can be expected.” He replied.

“And you and Debbie, how are you handling things?” He inquired.

“We are fine. For the sake of the kids. We are trying to do right by them.” Andy said, shocking himself the way he was opening up to Robert.

“Listen Andy, anything you need for Sarah and little Jack let me know. I would love to help.” He said while holding Andy’s gaze.

Everyone was silent. The atmosphere was heavy. They were all holding the breath waiting for Andy’s response.

To everyone’s surprise, perhaps most of all himself, Andy nodded his head in thanks and said “Appreciate it Rob.”

There was now a disruption in their ranks. Now he had Victoria on his side and Andy not-quite hating him.

“Of course you would offer to help now that nothing is wrong. But where were you a few years ago when we needed help with her treatment. Your poor grandmother was the one who saved us all. The poor woman must have given us all she had.” Jack said. He was sensing Andy’s hesitance in his conviction. This was his chance to get him back in line.

“Yes, it was Annie who told me about Sarah. She did want to help but I couldn’t let her dip into her savings. I gave her all that I could at the time and told her it was from her. I wasn’t sure if my help would have been appreciated at the time.” He replies coolly.

“It was you? You gave us the money for Sarah’s treatment?” Andy asks shocked. They all had stunned expressions on their faces.

“Yes. I was working in Spain at the time and when Annie told me about Sarah, I knew I had to help.” He said.

“You help save my little girl.” Andy said with a dazed expression on his face.

“In Spain? You mean you were with Annie this whole time?” Victoria inquired after a few moments of shocked silence from everyone.

“Well I had to go somewhere after leaving Emmerdale. I mean I didn’t have anything. I only had enough to get on a ship and find my way to her. She helped me get into university and from there I started my way working up. I left Spain a few years ago actually. I was in Manchester for a couple years and then I moved to Liverpool. And now I am here.” He concludes.

“Why didn’t Annie say anything? I call her every once in a while. She never mentioned you.” Victoria asked.

“I asked her not to. I didn’t want her to be put in an awkward position.” He glanced at Jack. He was completely disarmed.

It would seem that the plan that Jack, Andy and Katie had previously agreed upon, had been completely disrupted. They weren’t the united front that they were when he came in. Robert had won this round. But he knew his father well. Jack Sugden wasn’t one to let an opportunity to humiliate and hurt Robert to go by.

“So you’re not married yet then?” He went for the jugular. Of course he would go there.

“Yes, knowing you, you were probably too busy breaking hearts all over to settle down, weren’t you Robert?” Katie squeaked again. It would seem that she was determined to never let the old grudge go. He would have to nip this in the bud if he ever wanted to live in this village again.

“I know I was unkind to you Katie and I was cruel when I was a teenager. I am not trying to make excuses for how I behaved back then, but I will try to explain. I was unhappy, hormonal and very _very_ confused and I deeply regret how things ended with us. I know I am late to offer my apologies and I am glad you have found happiness, but I will gladly admit that I acted badly towards you. I am sorry. I hope we can start over as friends.” He said directly looking at Katie. Katie didn’t seem to be able to breathe. She exchanged a meaningful look with Andy. He then turned back to Robert and nodded her head. There were tears in her eyes, yet she offered a half smile.

He then turned his attention to his father again.

“I actually almost got engaged a few years ago in Manchester but things didn’t work out between us.” He said.

“I didn’t know that. What happened?” Victoria asked. She wasn’t the only one at the table who was interested in his life anymore. It would seem he was able to appease both Andy and Katie. To completely win all three over, solely depended on how he would answer Victoria’s question.

“Well we were in different places in our lives. I wasn’t completely honest about my background and I felt guilty being with someone who was so open about theirs and so close with their family. It felt like a competition and I was losing. So I ended it.” God, he had forgotten how much thinking about Ollie and his open affection would hurt.

“So you didn’t propose to her?” Victoria asked.

He took a sip of his wine.

“Ehm no. It wasn’t me who planned on proposing. _He_ was planning to propose.” He said without looking at them. It was the moment of truth.

“He?! Since when are you gay?!” Andy said in disbelief.

“Bisexual actually. And since always. Isn’t that right _dad_?” he said. He looked directly at Jack’s eyes.

Jack looked furious. His face was red and it would seem he was about to blow.

Andy, Katie and Victoria were all looking very nervously between Robert and Jack.

“No son of mine is a puff.” He spouted behind gritted teeth.

“Dad” Andy warned.

“Dad!” Victoria shouted.

“Jack!” Katie said in disbelief.

Robert had his answer. He nodded his head.

“Well I think it is time for me to go. Thank you for the lovely meal Victoria. Andy, Katie I will see you around.” He said as he got up from the table and started to leave.

“Robert hang on! Don’t go! He didn’t mean it like that. Wait!” Victoria followed him to the door.

“It’s fine Vic. It’s not like I expected anything else. I will call you later, alright?” he said as he stepped out. He needed air to clear his head.

Victoria stopped him and turned him around to give him a tight hug. She then whispered “Good night” in his arms.

He started walking. It was completely dark now. The night breeze greeted him.

 

**Aaron**

 

The sound of his feet on the ground combined with his own breathing, tuned the sounds of the village at night out. He was running again but he felt different. His mind wasn’t blank. He wasn’t trying to avoid thinking. As a matter of fact he had done nothing but think since his session with his counselor.

Normally his sessions made it a bit easier to handle things but yesterday was different. His counselor’s suggestion that he had not said anything to his mum because he was blaming her for what had happened to him was absurd. He was only trying to protect his mum. It would break her if she knew. She already had a lot to deal with in the past few years. Anyway, it wasn’t like it could change anything if she knew. She couldn’t change the past. No he was not blaming her… Surely that would be absurd. Or was it?

These thoughts were not leaving him alone. He was so lost in them that he almost didn’t notice where he was running until he saw a figure in the dark.

Typical. His feet had brought him to the cricket pavilion. But unlike other nights where he would come out here to not think or to smoke, the place wasn’t empty. Leaning over the deck and resting his head on his forearms, was Robert Sugden.

He hadn’t noticed Aaron. He seemed to be in another world. Aaron slowly approached him. He wanted to avoid startling the man. When he got closer, his harsh breathing alerted Robert to his presence. He straightened up quickly and looked around to see who had interrupted his deep thoughts.

“Hiya” Aaron said as he sat down on the stairs and looked up at Robert.

“Hi. What… erm… What are you doing here?” Robert seemed to have a bit of difficulty pulling himself together.

“Well I was planning a big heist in the middle of the night but now that I know I am not the only one out at this hour, my plans have been ruined. So I am going to have to eliminate the person who has sabotaged my brilliant plan!” That seemed to relax Robert a bit. He even almost cracked a smile. He was handsome when he smiled.

“What about you? What are you doing here?” Aaron asked him. He seemed he was desperate for someone to ask him that exact question.

“Well nothing as exciting as your plans. My reason has more to do with family drama than movie inspired heists in the village!” He came down the stairs and sat beside Aaron. 

“Well family dramas are a Dingle specialty. I feel like whatever your drama might be, it won’t be as bad as my family’s.” Aaron said to lighten the mood. For some reason he was bothered by the fact that Robert was preoccupied and sad.

“I don’t know about that. Us Sugdens had a monopoly on family drama in these parts until your lot took over. I think it’s time we retook our claim, don’t ya think?!” Robert said. They both chuckled.

“But seriously. What happened? Do you want to talk about it?” Aaron prodded. He really wanted to know. Even if Robert didn’t want to share everything, him being here was distracting Aaron from his own thoughts. Something that he desperately needed tonight as running hadn’t made them go away.

For a few moments Robert didn’t say anything. He raised his head and looked at the starry night sky. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment. Even in the night light, his freckles were visible.

Robert then opened his eyes and turned and looked directly at Aaron. As if to make sure he was still there. That he really wanted to know. Aaron held his gaze and waited.

“Well I started with dinner….”

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Robert share a moment!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are still out there reading this, thank you! Your feedback means the world to me!

**Robert**

He was surprised how easy it was to tell Aaron everything. Aaron was an excellent listener. He didn’t interrupt Robert but his expression was telling Robert all he needed to know when he told him about his father’s reaction to coming out as bi.

After he finished, Aaron bit his lip and hesitated to talk.

“Go on, tell me it was a stupid thing to do. I should know better. I was expecting it and I don’t know why am I surprised when he reacted the same way I imagined he would.” Robert said.

“Yeah but it doesn’t mean it’s not gonna hurt, innit? Look everyone knows how your old man is .. ehm.. _old fashioned_ or whatever. God knows he has said worse to me every time he sees me. I think actually with the whole trial thing after Jackson, he told me Jackson deserved what happened to him and I deserved to be locked up. But he is like one of the oldest people living here and people respect him or summat and nobody has ever stood up to him. Well, no one except you.” Aaron said.

Robert was mortified of what Aaron had just said.

“I am so sorry Aaron! I didn’t know that he had acted so bad to you and Jackson. God I feel awful!” He was angry on Aaron’s behalf. The man had lost the love of his life and was on a trial for helping him but all Robert’s father could do was spew hateful words at them?! This was worse than he thought.

“I expected him to act like that about me because I know he hates me. I thought that me being bi gave him an excuse to finally show he hates me. I didn’t know he was actually this homophobic.” He said to Aaron.

“Look it doesn’t matter. I really don’t care what he thinks of me. I really don’t care what anyone in this village think of me anymore. You get used to it. Not caring. It’s easier. “ Aaron sounded defeated.

It made Robert angrier that he has been subjected to so much that he was beyond caring. Here was a brave young man who have gone through hell and back. He deserved to be respected and admired. In his short life he had to deal with the worst kind of heartbreak anyone could imagine and that was not counting his crazy family. He imagined that the Dingles would not have been the most accepting when he came out either. All of that and then Aaron also got Jack Sugden’s brand of insults as well? It was unfair and wrong.

He looked at Aaron who was busy looking at his own feet. Robert just wanted to hug him and tell him how much he respected him.

“You know you are probably the bravest person I have met, right?” He couldn’t have Aaron not know that. Aaron needed to know how brave he was and he deserved everyone’s respect.

Aaron blushed and looked away from him but there was a faint smile at corner of his lips.

“I’m not the one who just came out to his entire family though am I?” He said trying to deflect the compliment. He was clearly uncomfortable to be receiving compliments which was a shame.

Aaron shook his head and turned to look at him with a glint in his eyes.

“So you’re bi then. Now that is something that the village gossips left out. I should be worried that they are not as good as they used to be. There was time that the chinwaggers of this place could tell you the exact song that someone lost their virginity to!” Aaron said while holding back a laugh.

“Oh god! Please don’t remind me! That is still the most embarrassing thing to happen to me! I mean what was Nicola thinking?! That isn’t just embarrassing for me you know! She was way older than me!” Robert moaned and hid his face in his hands. He could not believe that Aaron knew about that. He then realized what Aaron had said. He raised his head and looked at Aaron and said “But yeah, I am bi.”

Aaron bit his lips and ducked his head and cleared his throat.

“So you have been with other men as well?” He asked shyly. His face and neck was turning a brilliant shade of red.

“Yes. Several actually. Almost got married to one.” He said. He was unbelievably charmed by the blush and the shyness that Aaron was showing. It was very flattering to know that his attraction to Aaron wasn’t one sided.

“Wow, that is big. So what happened? Why didn’t ya get married then?” Aaron asked.

Robert didn’t want to think about that right now. It would open wounds that he wasn’t ready to open yet.

He shook his head and turned his head towards the sky.

“It didn’t work out.” He told Aaron softly not looking away from the sky. It was a rare, cloud free night and the stars in the sky were all visible. He could lose hours just looking at them. He then suddenly sensed a touch of finger tips on the side of his neck. He turned back to Aaron who looked like couldn’t believe what he had done himself.

“S... sorry... I didn’t .. I mean I did... but I didn’t meant to.. sorry it’s just... well you know!” Aaron stuttered and hastily started to move. Robert grabbed his forearm and stopped him from running away.

“No. I don’t know. Tell me.” He said and looked at Aaron’s blue eyes.

“Freckles. They are there as well.” He said with panic in his eyes while pointing to Robert’s side of the neck.

Not taking his eyes away from Aaron, he slowly leaned in. He gave Aaron no room to misinterpret what his intentions were. He licked his lips and looked directly at Aaron’s eyes which were moving fast between Robert’s lips and his eyes. He slowly closed his eyes and brushed his lips against Aaron’s unmoving ones. It was only for a second but it changed Robert.

Now that he had felt what Aaron’s lips, his scruffy bearded face and knew what his ragged breathing felt like, his center of gravity had changed. His entire focus, energy and attention were on Aaron’s face.

He pulled away. He was completely overwhelmed by the flood of feelings that the simple touch of lips had brought him. He half expected to shoot out electric pulses from every fiber of his being from the way his body felt it was on electrical fire. He looked at Aaron’s face. Aaron had a frozen expression on his face. He seemed to be in total shock of what Robert had just done. 

Feeling like that he may have taken things too far, Robert immediately pulled his hand away from Aaron’s forearm. He sat back and looked away. He was preparing for the inevitable rejection that Aaron would say. He was sure that it would be sweet and considerate and after the night he had, he really didn’t want Aaron’s pity or understanding. He really should have known better.

While he was preparing himself to handle Aaron’s rejection, he missed the movement to his side and suddenly he was on his back. But instead of the view of the stars in the sky, he had a pair of blue eyes in his vision. Aaron had pushed him on his back. One of his hands was on Robert’s chest and the other holding himself up by Robert’s head. He slowly lowered himself onto his forearm and closed the gap between their bodies. When their lips were only a fraction apart, he stopped and looked at Robert’s eyes. He must have found what he was looking for because in the next second his lips were on Robert’s.

Robert closed his eyes and let Aaron take the lead. As Aaron deepened the kiss, Robert’s arms raised to lock behind Aaron’s head. Aaron’s body on top of his, his lips on his, his tongue inside Robert’s mouth, his hand on his chest. That was all Robert could feel. Nothing else existed in the world but this moment right here. His body was on fire. He was moaning into Aaron’s mouth and he raised his legs and engulfed Aaron’s lower body. The friction made them both groan into the kiss. The need for breathing finally became too much and Aaron lifted his lips from Robert’s but their faces were still only inches apart. Aaron playfully brushed the tip of his nose to Robert’s and smiled. Robert was too far gone to make any decision or movement at that moment. He was completely at Aaron’s mercy.

Aaron dipped his head again and softly kissed Robert. He then pressed his forehead against Robert’s. They were in that position for what felt like an eternity; Robert’s arms locked behind Aaron’s head, his legs around Aaron’s legs and their foreheads pressed together. Aaron’s eyes were closed but Robert’s were open and looking at Aaron as if begging him to open his eyes and look at him. But Aaron’s eyes remained closed as he lifted his forehead and his hand from Robert’s body. He slowly lifted his upper body and gently untangled Robert’s arms and legs from his back. Without looking at Robert he sat back on the stairs just as he was a few minutes ago before he ruined Robert.

Robert was breathing heavily and still on his back. He was having a hard time focusing. What had happened wasn’t just a kiss.

He had shared many kisses with many people; passionate, hungry, soft or effortless. No this wasn’t like any other kiss. This was a spiritual experience. Being kissed by Aaron was like tasting cold water in a hot desert and the warmth of fire in a snowstorm combined. His body was buzzing, his mind was all over the place and his heart was hammering in his chest. Aaron had swooped in like a hurricane and Robert was a small Island that didn’t have a choice but to be ruined by the force of nature that was Aaron.

After what felt like hours, he finally got his breathing under control. Without moving he looked at Aaron. Aaron wasn’t looking at him though. His gaze was lost in the darkness of the field before them. Robert gently touched Aaron’s arm that was closest to him. Aaron turned around. He had a sad smile on his face.

Robert knew his doom was coming. 

 

**Aaron**

“Aaron why are you so agitated? What happened Aaron?”

He can’t stop shaking his leg or playing with his hands. Today is cloudy and there is a storm coming.

“Aaron what happened since our last session? Did you have a chat with your mum or Paddy about what we talked about?”

God that seems like a lifetime ago. That was in the before...

Before the kiss.

Before Robert…

“I kissed him. I mean we kissed. Each other. It was a mutual thing. I mean I hope it was.”

“You kissed who Aaron?”

“Robert. Who else?”

He wants to smoke so badly. Or run. He could run from here to Manchester and back the way he is now.

He needs something.

He needs...

“Aaron are you thinking about cutting?”

Yes. Oh yes.

“No.”

“Aaron don’t run away from your feelings. We can discuss this and talk about it and perhaps that will help clear things up, ok?”

“Yeah”

“When did you kiss?”

The sound of his feet on the grass. The night breeze. Robert’s shadow. His face. His voice. His hands. His mouth. The sounds he made.

“Last night. I ran into him and he’d just left dinner with his family. We were talking and then… I don’t know… he made a move… or I did… I mean I did. I uh….touched his …neck…ya know… cause of freckles…he’s got loads of them…. So yeah… he then kissed me and then backed off…then I uhm… kissed him. So yeah.”

Robert sprawled on the deck with a look in his eyes like it was Christmas and Aaron had just given him the best present.

“How did you feel when he kissed you?”

“Shocked. I mean I was waiting for him to tell me to piss of or punch me in the face. He just sorta leaned in. It was really soft. He’s got really soft lips. Nice ones.”

“Why did he back off?”

“I don’t know. He probably thought I didn’t like it or summat cause I kinda froze.”

“Is that why you kissed him? To let him know it was ok?”

“Yeah. I mean no. I mean I wanted to, ya know. He’s got these really nice lips and face. He’s got these freckles all over. I mean I really couldn’t not kiss him, ya know.”

“What happened after that?”

“We snogged for a while and then I stopped.”

“Why did you stop?”

Too much.

Robert’s arms around his head. His legs around Aaron’s. Their bodies tangled. Breathing together. Robert’s moans.

“I don’t know.”

“Did you regret that it happened in that moment?”

NO

“No.”

“Aaron how does Robert make you feel?”

Hot. Alive. Dizzy.

“Confused.”

“Why?”

“Cause he likes me. I mean he knows about me coming out and the garage stuff and me and Jackson. Everyone in the village talks. But he still likes me and he wants me. It’s confusing. I mean, why?”

“Did you talk to him after?”

 

_“That was …. I don’t ….I mean… wow!” Robert said after a few minutes. He finally sat up and turned to look at Aaron. Aaron looked at him. His bruised lips, his flushed face and the shine in his eyes. He looked like he had gotten drunk just from snogging Aaron. Which was ridiculous! Aaron was the one who felt dizzy._

_They looked away from each other. Aaron shook his head and bit his lips. He didn’t know what to do now. Suddenly there was a muffled sound to his side. He turned to look at Robert and his shoulders were shaking._

_Was he crying?!_

_No._

_The bastard was laughing! Robert turned to look at Aaron. He stopped laughing. They looked at each other and then they both started to giggle which then turned into laughing out loud! Robert was doubling over and Aaron couldn’t stop laughing. Every time they their giggles wound down, they would look at each other and set each other off again. Robert was clinging to Aaron’s arm and laughing into his shoulder and Aaron was holding Robert’s knee and laughing into his hair._

_After a few minutes that they had calmed down, Aaron looked at Robert. This would either be a disaster or something different._

_Aaron didn’t want to find out yet. He just wanted to hold onto this moment._

“Well no. I mean knida. We didn’t talk about the kiss or anything.”

 

_Aaron squeezed Robert’s knee for a moment and then stood up. He looked around and then he put his hands in his pockets. He then looked at Robert one last time._

_“Well, see ya around Sugden!” He nodded to Robert and turned to leave._

_“See you around Dingle!” Robert shouted after him. Aaron didn’t turn around but he was smiling._

“And then I got home and realized that was the first time that I hadn’t thought about any of the stuff, ya know. Not my mum or Paddy or prison or Jackson or Adam… or you know... My d… Gordon…”

“Did that freak you out?”

“See, that’s the thing. I wasn’t freaking out and that freaked me out! How mad is that?!”

“It’s not mad at all Aaron. Tell me, do you see something between you and Robert happening?”

Yes.

“I don’t know. Maybe. I mean it would get complicated wouldn’t it? Me and my issues and him and his family stuff. It won’t end well, will it?”

“Are you asking me or are you telling me?”

…

“Tell me this then Aaron. Do you want something between you and Robert?”

Yes.

No.

Maybe.

He wasn’t ready.

“I’m not ready.”

It had started to rain outside.

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Robert have two important conversations.

**Aaron**

 

“Tell me about Robert”

The kiss was all that he could think about. He didn’t know where the impulse came from. It was unexpected and it had shattered all his other thoughts and concerns. All he could think about was those few minutes when his body was on fire and his mind was blank. His body had taken control and the desire that had run through him was so electrifying that the memory of Robert’s breath and his lips would make him buzz with it. Even after a week, the memory was so fresh.

“Why him?”

He had looked at Aaron at one point. His eyes were green and his pupils were blown up like he was high on drugs. The freckles even were visible in the dark of the night.

“Is he your usual type?”

No. Yes. Did he even have a type?

“I don’t know if I have a type.”

“What about Robert attracts you?”

Eyes. Lips. Freckles. Smirk. Strong body. Power. Softness.

“I don’t know. He is fit but it’s not that. I don’t really know.”

“Ok. Let’s talk about something else. Something that we didn’t talk about last time you were here. Before you kissed Robert.”

His mum. Paddy.

Gordon…

“Did you speak with your mum?”

No.

“Haven’t got the chance.”

Lie. He had many chances. He just didn’t want to.

“That’s alright. But have you thought more about what we talked about? Have you figured out why you can’t talk to her about her leaving you?”

If he did, he would have to tell her about Gordon.

“Aaron I think that you need to speak with your mother. If you are not ready to tell her everything that is fine. But there are so many things between you two that needs to be said. Gordon wasn’t the only terrible thing that happened in your childhood. She left you and she didn’t look back. Not to actually check and make sure you were alright.”

“She didn’t know, alright!?”

“Aaron your anger right now tells me that is an argument that you have had with yourself many times. Don’t you want to know why she left you?”

“What difference does it make?”

“Let’s look at it differently. Let’s pretend that Gordon didn’t do any of that. Let’s say Gordon wasn’t your father and someone relatively normal was. And she left you. Now it is years later and you are living with her. Do you ask her why she left?”

A childhood without Gordon. A normal man like Paddy raising him. He would be normal. He probably would go to school and make friends. He would come out normally. He would probably end up going to uni even. Maybe even a career. A proper normal boyfriend, a good job, a loving parent. A normal life.

No Gordon.

What would normal feel like? How did normal people feel like? Did they have nightmares in the night? Did they wake up in the middle of the night, terrified every time someone in the house stepped on the stairs to get a glass of water?

Did normal people kill their paralyzed boyfriends?

“Aaron if you have an honest discussion with her, maybe it would make it easier for you to tell her.”

No. normal people didn’t have to think about if it was worth it to talk to their mother about why she abandoned them when they were a kid in case they accidentally blurt out that their father raped them.

He would never be normal.

He would never have a normal life. A normal home, job, boyfriend. Happiness and normal was not for people like him. There was too much darkness.

Even a few shiny freckles couldn’t lighten up his life for long.

 

 

Robert had disappeared. Or at least that’s what Victoria was moaning about. It had been two weeks since that night. He assumed Robert was busy with his work or trying to deal with his family. But apparently the man had done a runner.

Aaron had accepted that. That night wasn’t real. It was a freaky moment that wouldn’t last.

He left Victoria behind the bar and went to the back. His mum’s shift had just ended and she would be on the couch with her feet up after work.

If he was going to do this, better to do it sooner than later. He would get it over with faster instead of overthinking everything and bottling it.

He took a deep breath and walked in. His mum was on the couch and watching telly. He closed the door behind him. He didn’t want anyone accidentally walking in on them while they were having this talk.

“Hiya love. Want something to eat?” She asked.

He shook his head and grabbed a chair from the table and put it near the couch so he was sitting in front of her. He needed to see her.

“No I’m alright. You got a minute?” He was avoiding looking at her face.

“’course. What’s up? Is everything ok?”

No.

“Yeah. It’s just that my counselor reckons you and me need to talk.”

She sat up. The room seemed a bit colder than it was a few seconds ago.

“Alright. What about?” she asked softly. There was fear in her voice.

He suddenly remembered all those years ago when she had found out about him cutting. She was sitting in the exact same spot.

“About when I was a kid.” He couldn’t finish his sentence. He needed to ask her. But he didn’t know how. How do you ask someone why they abandoned you when you were seven?

She had sensed his hesitation. She knew he was afraid. She didn’t speak. She just leaned forward and grabbed one of his hands in hers.

It was a small gesture but it warmed his heart a bit.

He could do this.

“Well he wants to know… I mean he wants me to know… no… I mean I need to know why?” He was messing this up.

“Why what sweetheart?” She asked softly and squeezed his hand.

“Why did you leave me?” He blurted out.

She froze. Her breath hitched. Everything was dead quiet for a second. For the first time that night he raised his head and looked at her face.

Now that he was here, he needed to know.

She was fighting tears. She let out a harsh breath and a nervous laugh.

“Uhm, wow! Didn’t expect that to be honest…” Now she was looking away. He opened his mouth to say something but held himself back. He had asked. Now she needed to answer.

She dropped Aaron’s hand and started rubbing them on her own knees. She was looking around. After a few seconds, she dropped her head and finally answered.

“Your dad and I weren’t working out. We were fighting all the time. I’m sure you can remember all the fights. I wasn’t in a good place myself. I was a mess! So I left.”

“I didn’t ask why you left him. I asked why did you leave me? As in why didn’t you take me with you?” He was angry and impatient now.

“Because I wasn’t good for you! I wasn’t good for anyone at the time! Aaron I was a mess and I needed to sort myself out. Like you are doing now. And I am so proud of you. But I had to leave you with your dad. We did have our issues but he was a good father to you. That’s why I left you with him.”

So she really believed that. This had been a mistake. He couldn’t get the answer he wanted without spilling his secrets.

He nodded and dropped his head. Suddenly it was hard to breathe again.

“Aaron why do you need to know that? I thought you were seeing the counselor to talk about prison and you know… Jackson.” She said.

He couldn’t talk to her. How could he have an honest discussion when she couldn’t even see that how much her leaving had messed him up. It was always the same with her. It was never her fault. It was always someone else’s fault.

He needed to get out.

He got up quickly and left through the back door and ignoring his mother’s shouts after him. He needed to run.

 

**Robert**

 

He was dreaming. He knew he was dreaming because he was dreaming of his night with Raul. Summer night in Spain. The heat outside and inside. The only difference being, it wasn’t Raul’s olive skin and careful hands on his body but Aaron’s. It was Aaron’s hands touching his body. His mouth exploring Robert’s back. His beard, his lips, his tongue all against his neck. His body holding Robert down. His legs on each side of Robert’s. His cock inside Robert, moving slowly and driving him mad. With every thrust he would hit that spot that made Robert lose his mind. But he was moving so slow... Robert was so close and yet so far... He just needed his release... He needed Aaron to move faster...

He needed Aaron...

There was a shrieking sound and Robert woke up with a jolt. The sound of his alarm blaring through his bedroom and bringing him back to the reality. He sat up in his bed and looked down at the ruined sheets. His heart was beating so fast from his dream that he was gasping to catch his breath. He closed his eyes and tried to remember the details of his dream. He hadn’t had one of those since he was a teenager.

He blamed Aaron.

It had been a week since the dinner at his sister’s house. A week since Aaron had kissed him.

The day after, he had left his assistant in charge in Emmerdale and had gone to Liverpool. He needed to spend some time there to take care of his company. His absence from day to day operations of Rug Tree Bond had become tangible.

He had every faith in his VPs but the company was starting to sense a lack of leadership and he knew both his clients and his employees would suffer. In order to appease both, he had decided to spend at least two weeks in Liverpool to oversee the operations and make some changes in the management structure. His new plan was to implement a fully paperless system that would allow him to oversee from anywhere and to offer his employees the option to work from home if needed. It would be expensive but in the end it would be worth it.

In order to make this big transition, he and his team had been working hard. He hadn’t had the time to think about anything but work. But apparently his subconscious had other ideas.

If he was honest with himself, he was glad that he had decided to pick this week to be in Liverpool. A lot had happened that night and he needed time to process it. He was sure that Aaron needed some space as well. Not to mention his own family.

He had sent a quick text to Victoria the day after the dinner to let her know he would be away for a while. He had several missed calls from her and Diane. He even had a message from Andy if he was ok. He had sent back quick one word responses to them.

 Frankly he didn’t know what to say to them. _I ran away to the safety of my job which is the only thing that I have been able to do right in my entire life because every relationship that I have ever had was destined to be ruined because of how damaged I am inside as a result of traumatic childhood and a shitty parent,_ didn’t sound like something he could say over text.

He was angry with himself to allow his father to affect him so badly. He had returned to Emmerdale promising himself to mend broken relationships. But now he was running away scared. Like a little boy all those years ago.

And then there was the whole thing with Aaron. The stupid crush that now was turning into something else. He wasn’t even sure if there was a solid _thing_ between them. Or if it was just a one night spur of the moment kiss that had passed.

There was one thing he was sure of. If there was even a smallest chance to have a future with Aaron, or anyone for that matter, he needed to make peace with his past.

As he was getting ready for the day, he made a decision. He needed some explaining to do.

 

 

The restaurant was one of the few that he used for his very important business meetings. High end, but still interesting. They crafted their own beer in this place. Although at this moment, he was in desperate need for something much stronger. That is exactly why he had chosen this place. He needed to be sober for this.

His guest was late. He double checked his phone to make sure that he had set it up for the correct time and had actually send the correct address. He looked down at his suit to make sure it was pristine.

He had been agonizing over what to wear for this meeting. Usually if he was entertaining someone here, he was wearing his finest business suits. However, he wasn’t sure if a three piece suit and tie would be appropriate for this meeting. At first he had thought that a jacket with jeans, but that would be too casual for this place. There was always a possibility that he ran into someone he knew and he didn’t want to look anything but a complete professional. So now he sat waiting wearing a casual suit.

He checked the time again. It was 10 minutes past the time they were supposed to meet him. Maybe dinner wasn’t a good choice. Maybe it was sending the wrong message. He should have said coffee or lunch. Dinner had implications.

He should just call and cancel. It would save them both time. This was a mistake.

As he was about to pull out his phone from his jacket, a large figure appeared by the table. He looked at Robert and after a second that seemed like eternity, he sat down across from him.

“Hello.”

“Hi.”

God he had changed. He had a full beard now and his face was harder. He wasn’t smiling or smirking which was weird. Every time Robert thought of him in the past few years, he would always imagine his similes and his booming laughter.

“Thanks for meeting me.” He heard himself say. God he sounded nervous.

Ollie nodded his head. A waiter appeared and they placed their drink orders. After the waiter left, an uncomfortable silence fell between them. Ollie was waiting for him to speak.

He cleared his throat.

“How…ehm… how have you been?” He tried to make it sound as casual as possible. He failed.

“I have been doing fine Robert.” He answered calmly. His face still not giving away anything about what he was thinking.

“Good. That’s good.” He was pathetic.

Silence fell again. He had imagined this would be hard but now that he was actually sitting across from him, it was impossible.

He cleared his throat again. As he was about to open his mouth to speak, the waiter appeared again with their drinks. He took a large sip and almost choke. He started to violently cough. He was so embarrassed.

“Not that I don’t enjoy watching you suffer, but if you spill out what is it that you want from me, we can both get out of here sooner.” Ollie said.

He let out a nervous laugh.

“You weren’t clear in your call what this is about, but I am assuming you need a lawyer and you thought good ole Ollie will be the best to help ya. So go on, tell me what’d you want.” He continued.

“Yeah it’s nothing like that. I wouldn’t come to you for legal advice. I mean not that you aren’t… I mean you are good… but not like that… I mean. I wouldn’t… because it’d be weird, right?” He managed to say.

Ollie raised an eyebrow.

“You tell me. I don’t have a problem.” He said nonchalantly.

“Right. Yeah. Uhm this is actually about us. I mean you and me. So yeah.” He was doing so badly.

“There is no us anymore Robert. I am sure you know that. You remember that you broke up with me the night I proposed to you, don’t ya?” He said with a sharp tone.

“I know. And I am sorry. That’s actually why I wanted to speak to you…” He started to say when Ollie caught him off.

“Look, if you are here to apologize and ask for us to get back together, then I am sorry to break it to ya, but I have actually moved on. I am happily married and my husband and I are expecting our first child.” Ollie said.

“Wow. That is brilliant! Congratulations! I am happy for you.” He really was.

“Yeah right.” Ollie said. For the first time tonight he showed some emotion. Granted, it was disdain but it was still better than indifference.

“I am. I actually am very happy that you found someone that gives you all they have. You deserve it Ollie. You are one of the most wonderful people I have ever met and you deserve all the happiness in the world.” He said sincerely.

Maybe it was his words, or maybe the truth behind them, but Ollie’s frosty demeanor was slowly racking. He gave a small smile and nodded his head.

“Thanks.”

“When I said it’s about us, I just meant about before. I just needed to clear some stuff up about what happened. Maybe if I explained, one day you might find it in your heart to forgive me.” He offered.

“Robert I have moved on. I have a good life now. Yes there was a lot of heartbreak at the time but I am over it now. A lot has happened. What we had almost seems a lifetime ago.” Ollie says. This time it is kinder. His Ollie is back and Robert needs to explain.

“I know. I just have to do this so I can move on as well. Maybe if I am lucky, I will also find happiness like you did.” Robert was praying that Ollie will listen to him.

Ollie looked skeptical.

“Do you have someone?” Ollie asked.

“No. Well not technically. But there _is_ someone. I mean a possibility that there might be someone.” He tried to explain.

Ollie smirked at him.

“A possibility that there might be someone?! Wow! Robert Sugden, do I finally hear wedding bells?!” Ollie teased him. He had missed this.

“Yeah… it’s complicated. On both sides.”

“What, they don’t return your feelings?! That must be unusual for you!”

“No. It’s not that. I mean he does. Or I hope he does. He did kiss me. So I think he does. But there are a lot of stuff going on in both our lives that don’t make it as easy. But I think it would be worth it. All the hardships, all the complications.” He started to ramble on.

“Wow. All of that just after one kiss?” Ollie asked. He was clearly surprised.

“Well, it was one hell of a kiss!”

Ollie let out his booming laugh.

“Alright, go on then. What do you need to explain?”

Finally he let out a relieved breath. Ollie was going to listen to his explanation. Robert couldn’t help but think that it was the way he had talked about Aaron that had convinced Ollie to listen to him. Aaron was already making everything better for him and he even didn’t know it.

“Well you see, it’s about my family. Specifically my father…”

He was getting his closure.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are still reading this, THANK YOU! 
> 
> Your comments and kudos' are what drives this story forward! I really hope you like it!


End file.
